Party Hats - Not Always Fun

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Memo to Jonathan Chait: IT'S YOUR FAULT.

When the long, sordid history of the Great Iraq Clusterfuck is finally written*, I hope there's at least a chapter or two devoted to motherfuckers like Jonathan Chait.

If you don't know who Jonathan Chait is, he's a senior editor at The New Republic. If you don't know what the New Republic is, it's an ostensibly leftist, until-recently-weekly magazine that has been providing a shitload of political cover for Bush's asinine mistake for most of the past six years.

Chait, along with head honcho Martin Peretz, are way up there in the ranks of the "liberal hawks" - people, like Joe Lieberman, who could be relied upon to support the Iraq War not, like many Democrats, out of fear of appearing weak, but because they truly believed that overthrowing Saddam Hussein would lead to Baghdad becoming the new Berkeley once all the bomb craters had been paved over and all the corpses fertilized fields of beautiful flowers.

That they were horribly, tragically wrong is obvious now. It was obvious to a lot of us then, too, but you see, nobody would listen to US. Because while they did plenty of damage by being wrong, they did a lot MORE damage by marginalizing those of us who were right. When war support stretched across the political spectrum from William Kristol to Jonathan Chait, well, this was truly a bipartisan effort, and anybody who thought differently was part of the fringe who just hated Bush and wanted to throw bricks at Starbucks.

Now, this isn't something I have first-hand experience with, but popular culture has led me to understand that substance abuse, particularly of alcohol, can lead to waking up in the morning, looking over at the person in bed with you, and having the horrific realization that the person there is not someone you EVER would have banged when sober. Ninety nine out of a hundred people would extricate themselves, realize it was the booze, and swear never to do it again.

The hundredth person is Jonathan Chait, who would, I'm guessing, shake the person awake and accuse them of having radical plastic surgery between 2:00 and 8:45 a.m. I know this, because Chait recently took a swipe at his former buddy, neocon ubermensch William Kristol, who'd taken shots at The New Republic over an issue I won't be touching with a ten foot pole, a Hazmat suit, and Bea Arthur's proverbial dick.** That swipe included the following paragraph. WARNING. OSHA regulations require me to advise you that, to prevent injury, an OSHA-certified jaw strap should be worn while reading. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"There was a time when neoconservatives sought to hold the moral and intellectual high ground. There was something inspiring in their vision of America as a different kind of superpower--a liberal hegemon deploying its might on behalf of subjugated peoples, rather than mere self-interest. As the Iraq war has curdled, the idealism and liberalism have drained out of the neoconservative vision. What remains is a noxious residue of bullying militarism. Kristol's arguments are merely the same pro-war arguments that have been used historically by right-wing parties throughout the world: Complexity is weakness, dissent is treason, willpower determines all."

I'd say Chait is a bit late to the fucking party, but that'd be an understatement. It's more like Chait's showing up to the party, naked, with an erection, with a party hat on the erection, and refusing to leave no matter how many times he's told the party was a month ago and two doors down, until eventually he has to be Tasered and the party hat flies through the air in slow motion.

Jonathan Chait honestly believes that at one time, he and the neoconservatives were trading bong hits, and making foreign policy Reese's cups. You got your military industrialism in my sympathy for the downtrodden! We could totally sell this, dude. I'll help with the marketing. No, I don't need a cut, this isn't about the profit, right?

And now, all of a sudden, because they're doing to him now what they did to the rest of us in 2002, it's the neoconservatives who've changed, man. They've totally sold out and become cold, calculating bastards turning on anyone who disagrees with them and labeling them enemies to the cause. Now, at long last, because he's personally affected, Chait sees it.

Well fuck you and the formerly weekly magazine you rode in on, buddy. They didn't change. They were always like that. Krisol, Perle, Cheney, the whole fucking lot of them. That you didn't see that, and went out of your way to marginalize people who DID, means you don't get any sympathy. You made your bed, now get up out of it and make Bill Kristol an omelette, bitch.

*That's a figure of speech - there won't be one history, there'll be a fly's eye view of books, postmortems, self-justifications, revisionism, and outright lies. But you know what I mean.

**If you know what I'm talking about, you understand, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, remain blissfully ignorant. Trust me.