Memo to Kent Hovind: GOD HATES FA...NFIC.

I almost feel a little bad about this one. It has an element of kicking a drowning puppy. It has an element of mocking someone for what is merely the personal expression of their faith. I say "almost", because, well, it's Kent Hovind, and it's so goddamned funny.

Your obligatory background info. Ken Hovind is a rabid young-earth creationist. How rabid? Well, longtime readers of this column may remember Dinosaur Adventure Land, in Florida - the sort of theme park-y Busch-Gardens-for-morons-look-at-the-six-thousand-year-old-earth.

Anyway, turns out he's in jail. Serving out a ten-year prison sentence for a metric assload of tax evasion. Which is, all by its lonesome, so funny that the Germans should coin a word for it, like schadenhilarious or something. Last week, the blog of Creation Science Evangelists posted what can only be described as the world's funniest Hovind/God slashfic - a purported transcript of Hovind's jail cell I-shit-you-not e-mail exchange with his invisible daddy.

It's so long, and so funny, that I'm going to make a huge break with column policy and tradition and give you the address: http://www.cseblogs.com/?p=75. Feel free to copy, paste, and read to your heart's content. And if you don't want to, allow me to give you some highlights.

"From: Kent Hovind
Sent: May 23, 2007
To: GOD
Subject: Re: A few questions

KH: Do you have time for a few questions, today, Lord?

GOD: Son, time has no effect on me. I created it. I am always here to help you and guide you in any area of your life. Go ahead with your questions, son.

KH: These last seven months in prison have been rather difficult for me, Lord. In fact, in the last month, I’ve been in five different facilities.

GOD: I know, son. I’ve been with you the entire time (Hebrews 13:5).

This first section is notable for several things. First, Kent Hovind does not appear to know God's e-mail address. Also, Kent Hovind is unwilling to make one up, which is, along with "I'm not a creationist" and "I'm not in jail", one of the myriad ways in which I am better than Kent Hovind. Kent, have a freebie: ihvh@god.gov.

On top of that, Kent doesn't appear to know what e-mail is or how it works. What he's posting here is CLEARLY an IM transcript, except that Kent's not using the nickname "cageddino5238" and God's screen name isn't ">>>!!!ALMITEE!!!<<<". And finally, it only takes him two exchanges to start ripping off "Footprints". You unoriginal son of a bitch.

KH: Lord, I asked you to let me sleep, because I knew the next day would be hard and I would need my strength. Why didn’t you let me sleep, Lord?

GOD: I did, son. You slept great from 3:00 - 4:45 a.m. Who do you think it was that made the guard forget to call you at 3:30? Didn’t you wake up refreshed at 4:45 and even comment on how hard you slept and how good you felt?

An hour and forty five minutes? Kent Hovind's god is a HUGE PRICK.

GOD: I know, son. I was right there with you. I heard your prayers throughout that long night. We had sweet fellowship, didn’t we? Thank you for loving me and talking with me.

I don't care what you believe or how you worship, but that? THAT IS SLASHFIC.

GOD: You also had time to talk to John, but you never did. You were too busy trying to rest and asking me to have your appeal granted. I will overturn your case, son, when I’m done using you for this special mission. Do you think the US government or the Bureau of Prisons could hold you if I wanted you out?

KH: No, Lord. But you opened the prison for Peter (Acts 12), for Paul (Acts 5:19), and for Joseph (Genesis 41), and even the grave for some people (John 11). I was just wondering if you loved them more than me or something, or maybe I had some sin you were punishing me for.

GOD: I love you more than your little brain could ever comprehend. You do have plenty of sin—though that’s not why you are there. We will keep working on that sin list regardless of where you are.

KH: Thanks, Lord. Please do keep working on me.

Here we learn that God is an activist judge, that Kent Hovind thinks he deserves the same treatment as apostles, that even God thinks Kent Hovind is an idiot, and that Kent Hovind still has a huge jailbird stiffy for his Lord.

GOD: Son, I’ve given you a wide variety of cell mates as part of your training. You’ve had to live with big ones, little ones, loud, obnoxious ones and quiet ones. I put you in with Muslims, Catholics, ... You have lived with African Americans, Asians... You’ve seen a wide variety of lifestyles, personalities, diets, beliefs, and various degrees of bodily cleanliness. You have slept on concrete, steel, old bags of cotton, blue foam pads, and two-inch mattresses...

You have experienced the twenty-two man pod, the twelve-man crowded room, solitary lockdown, two-man cells with eight-hour lockdown, two-man cells with three in it with twenty-three-hour lockdown, and now, the one-hundred-fifty-man open dorm with three-man cubicles. Which do you like best?

KH: I’ll take my short, Scotch-Irish wife with her sweet smile, sweet spirit, good cooking, and good looks, my own bed, my children and grand-children, my ministry.

I read this, and I can come to only one conclusion. Somehow, Kent Hovind's subconscious REALLY wants to write a gay porn novel, but his repressive Christian upbringing forces his conscious mind to edit out any of the bits that actually mention body parts or sexual acts, and this sad, long, pathetic, long, ostensibly religious, and really long exchange with God is the result. Perhaps, someday, the subconscious will win out, and we'll all get to see Kent Hovind's "Adam and Steve: A Prison Tale" a few shelves down from the Left Behind books.