In The Virtual Belly Of The Beast: Day One

Creationists, 5 June 2007

Memo to the Creation Museum: HAPPY GRAND DUMB OPENING.

I can't believe it's finally here. After literally YEARS of being mocked in this column, after $27 million dollars in donations, the Creation Museum opened up last week in Kentucky, just over the border from Cincinnati.

For too long, the museum community has focused monolithically on making people a little bit smarter when they leave than they were when they walked in the door. Only Ken Ham and Answers in Genesis had the intelligently-designed balls to build an edifice that does the exact opposite. And now the dream is a reality, and pigfucking retards from all over the nation can drive to the Creation Museum and unlearn things they probably didn't even know to begin with.

Now obviously, I can't just head off and walk into the Creation Museum. For one thing, I don't have a lot of free time, and for another thing, I guarantee you something would be on fire within five minutes of me walking in the door, and there's a 50/50 chance that something would be ME. So I'm not going to risk it. Luckily, thanks to Al Gore's intelligent design, the magical Internet provides a virtual tour of this abattoir for thought, courtesy of one Zachary Lynn.

Sensing unparalleled opportunity I thought I'd take a few days and provide you, the reader, with my own specialized tour guide service. Just pay the deposit, pick up a pair of headphones, and enjoy my rich, sonorous narration.

Looking at the map of the place, I have to say, $27 million doesn't buy you a lot of museum these days. Only two floors, and maybe half a dozen sections. I realize they've only got six thousand years to cover, and most of THAT is front-loaded into six days, but still. You'd think the majesty of God's creation would be bigger.

Another fun fact about the Creation Museum - only three bathrooms. One in the snack bar, and two on the second floor. I hope all the visitors were endowed by their creator with certain inalienable bladders, that's for damn sure. Otherwise, I can picture a bunch of six-year-old Ezekiel Reagan Jim-Bob Thurmonds ducking behind the Tree of Knowledge for some forbidden piddling.

And yes, there is a snack bar. Noah's Cafe. Since the person who posted his virtual visit to the museum didn't provide any details, I'm free to make up my own. For example, at Noah's Cafe, all meat products are buy one, get one free! They have dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets, but they come mixed in with people-shaped chicken nuggets. And of course, free refills for forty days and forty nights!

And of course, there's a gift shop, "Dragon Hall Bookstore". It's an odd name for something in the Creation Museum. First, it's named after a dragon, which as we all know, unlike 900-year-old men, Leviathans, and Jesus, is entirely mythical. And second, the word "bookstore" implies the existence of books other than the Bible. I suppose there must be Chicken Soup for the Creationist's Soul.

But no amount of my heretical jokecrackery can compare to the actual description provided by Zachary Lynn. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The store is broken up into sections. Curricula include primary education and college textbooks, about ten different books in total. Layman books seemed to be Christian fiction novels. There were over 30 different DVD and video titles, lining a long wall. Other books by Behe and the like were also able to be purchased, as well as rewritten editions of Pilgrim's Progress and Bibles."

Wow. Such a bounty! No worries about evil forbidden knowledge here, that's for sure. I'm sure it's just a coincidence that a theory which drastically reduces the scope of natural history can be summed up in a lot fewer, and a lot smaller, words.

So much fun, and we haven't even gotten to the exhibits yet!