All Aboard The Stupid Train

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Memo to Lionel, Alabama, and Tom Delay: YOU ARE DUMB.

Under normal circumstances, I would feel a bit bad about going from an Idiots Say column to a cop-out filler column to a Spastic Topic Monkey Friday, but it is vitally important that I clear the slate for what may end up being a truly epic project for next week. So grab a mop, you scurvy monkeys. There's a huge pile of bullshit on my metaphorical poop deck.

I have never listened to Lionel's radio show. The only reason I know about him is that the lefty blogs had a bit of a hissy fit a few weeks back when he replaced Sam "Fenton from Home Movies" Seder on Air America's weekday lineup. Oh, and apparently he sucks. Ever since then, I've been waiting for an opportunity to mention just how much his website sucks.

Seriously. We're talking Frontpage 1998 bad. Now, I'm not big on Web 2.0, and in my curmudgeonly fashion, think that if Web 1.0 was good enough for me, it's good enough for you whippersnappers. So I will not begrudge him his top-down, left-side navigation. I will, however, begrudge his text overlapping his menu space, his terrifying, Medved-esque head-shot caricature, and his judicious use of the Font of Ultimate Doom. Yes, MS Comic Sans, a font that was made for radio.

Also, he goes by Lionel. Just Lionel. Which, unless you're a train, a Jefferson, or a Sanford, is completely fucking unacceptable. Especially if all those other people are right and he sucks as a radio host. Do you know how good a radio host you'd have to be to just go by the name Lionel and not get laughed at? NEITHER DO I.


From around 2004 until, oh, about a week ago, the state of Alabama's Homeland Security department had an ugly website of its own. They posted a list of groups which might, through the nature of their "extremism", spawn terrorists. Don't stop me if you've heard this one before, because I know you have. On the list? Gay rights activists. Anti-war groups. Environmentalists. Animal rights activists. And, in an attempt to be fair, one group which has actually carried out acts of terrorism in the past: abortion opponents.

Once again, Alabama ends up a year or two behind the rest of us. I thought we found all these back in '05 and '06, when we only SUSPECTED the government might be engaging in illegal acts against groups like this. Now being listed on a website as a potential terrorist just seems a bit quaint. The good news is, since it's Alabama, if the state government does decide to wiretap any of these groups, the "terrorists" will probably notice the tin can and string taped to the side of their office.

Anyway, the site's gone now, without even a strident defense or excuse from the department. I don't know whether to be glad they didn't put up a fight, or worried that they're not terribly committed to fighting the admittedly warped and wrong version of "terrorism" they seem to think exists.


And finally, Tom Delay. At this point, I long for a conviction on his money-laundering charges just so it'll cut down on the number of times he gives interviews. I'm not saying he should be silenced, I'm just saying that if a side-effect of his incarceration on legitimate charges of wrongdoing means I don't have to listen to his stupid ass any more, then I'm comfortable enjoying the relative peace and quiet.

His latest is criticizing Newt Gingrich. This is a cause I can normally get behind, because Newt Gingrich is a sleazy stupid bastard. But here's what Delay said about Gingrich. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Yes, I don't think that Newt could set a high moral standard, a high moral tone, during that moment. You can't do that if you're keeping secrets about your own adulterous affairs. I was no longer committing adultery by that time, the impeachment trial. There's a big difference. Also, I had returned to Christ and repented my sins by that time."

I don't know how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, but the count of disgraced congressmen trying desperately to claim a moral high ground of roughly the same square footage just increased by one. See, this is where being an atheist has me at a distinct disadvantage. For all I know, theologically, repenting your sins actually DOES count as a "get out of your mistress free" card. And for all I know, that Bible passage really COULD read "let he who has been without sin for a couple of months cast the first stone". I don't know. I've never read the Bible in the original Texan.