The Opposite Of Family Progress

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Memo to the Howard Center: HAVE FUN STORMIN' THE GAY POLISH CASTLE, BOYS!

Today marks the fourth ever World Congress of Families! Aren't you excited? I almost couldn't sleep last night. Oh, sure, I'm not actually going to Poland to rally with a bunch of extreme right-wing nutjobs who are probably concealing a Caligulan orgy under the guise of strengthening the Natural Family.

Sponsored by my nemesis, the Howard Center for Family, Religion, and Society, the World Congress is going to be full of Eastern European politicians, Christian clergy, and old white guys who know deep in their hearts that every time two men kiss, an angel gets its wings. Ripped off.

Ergo the Natural Family, which basically urges all the governments of the world to do everything in their power to make sure each man marries one woman and knocks her up as many times as possible. And that means making sure that the icky gays are as uncomfortable as possible.

Anyway, in the weeks leading up to their epic Polish shebang*, they've been dumping more than their usual allotment of crazy into my inbasket. Great stuff.

For example, there's "Startling and Sad Statistics", which makes the claim that if you're a single mother or put your child in day care, YOUR CHILD WILL DIE OF SIDS!

I will, for the most part, spare you detailed descriptions of their dubious and selective citation of studies and quotes. I've covered the Howard e-mails enough in the past that you can get a more complete taste if you'd like. Trust me, when I interpret their intended meaning, I'm actually being gracious.

And then there's "The Dark Shadow of Abortion", which says that if you have an abortion, you'll be miserable for the rest of your life because you'll be wracked with guilt over your baby-murdering ways. Now, of course that's a gross generalization. It doesn't happen to everyone. But I will say this - to the extent that it happens to some women, I'd suggest that maybe, just maybe, the right wing's propaganda machine that's spent every waking moment since Roe trying to convince us that a blastula is morally, emotionally, and functionally equivalent to a smiling blonde five-year-old girl begging you not to KILL HER might have something to do with it.

And anyway, you know they'd take any study showing widespread joy and happiness amongst the post-abortion crowd as evidence for their point of view as well.

What else... let's see. Mexico City is going to burn in hell for allowing limited abortion rights... yada yada... they got a couple of members of the EU Parliament to come to their soirée, yippee... the gays are invading Poland, no big deal...

Wait. Let me back up a second. Because this may be the single greatest subject line I've ever gotten in an e-mail, ever: "Homosexual Activists Attack Poland" Wow. I guess after not being let into the regular Army, they just up and started their own. But I can't imagine they'd start by invading Poland - that's a bad PR move, given historical precedent. Let's take a look inside. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The normalization of homosexuality is a value of Europe's elite. The 'values' of a majority of the European Parliament are one reason Europe has the lowest birthrates in the world. If it had a self-preservation instinct, the EP would be promoting the natural family, instead of castigating Poland for its defense of family values. What remarkable arrogance. These Parliamentarians want to force the Poles to allow the sexual indoctrination of Polish children. They want to force Catholic Poland to embrace the worldview of the Amsterdam red light district. In the 20th century, the Poles fought and beat the Nazis and communists, I doubt they'll have much difficulty standing up to the new totalitarians within the European Union." - Allan Carlson, head poobah of the Howard Society.

That's just fucking disappointing, frankly. The gays are "attacking" Poland by, as far as I can tell, having LGBT organizations that the government is harassing with criminal investigations; by having the head of the Polish school system distribute EU antidiscrimination pamphlets, to which the government responded by firing the official and banning the pamphlets; and getting upset when the government replaced that official with a guy who believes that "school must explain that homosexual practices lead to drama, emptiness and degeneracy". Well, OK. I'll grant them the drama, but the other two? That's just mean.

So basically Poland is going completely apeshit on the Polish gay community, and by not, if you'll pardon the expression, bending over and taking it, they're ATTACKING POLAND. I'm thinking maybe that My Own Private Infantry idea wasn't so bad after all.

So congratulations, Warsaw! By turning yourself into the Alabama of Eastern Europe, you've managed to be just barely repressive enough to earn the favor of the pricks at the Howard Society! They've only graced four cities with their presence in ten years, and I bet they won't be going back to Mexico City anytime soon. Play your cards right and you could have ultra-right-wing family values nutjobs in your city for years to come! You'll have the richest boy prostitutes in the entire EU!

*Because they definitely disapprove of he-bang.