King of the SIMPs

« April 2007 »

Memo to Dave Gaubatz and Saneworks: YOU ARE DUMB.

Continuing in the grand tradition of You Are Dumb Dot Net, it's time to take our lovingly crafted concept, then run it into the ground before abandoning it. And so it is with the SIMPs, or people who believe we're at risk of Sharia In the Middle of Peoria. One step beyond your garden variety Islamophobes, SIMPs not only believe that there's a pan-Islam conspiracy to subvert America to strict religious law (and not the right strict religious law, either), but that they are the only people who recognize it, and thus can stop it.

And the king of the SIMPs has got to be Dave Gaubatz. Gaubatz is one of the three shining lights behind the most inaccurately-named website in the entire Interblag: The SANE in SaneWorks stands for the Society of Americans for National Existence, which among other things makes me feel a hell of a lot better about my SIMPs acronym. And what, pray tell, is National Existence? I'm glad you asked. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"National Existence is political order experienced by men of the nation as a Rise to Being. Its opposite is a replacement of political order experienced by men, women, children and slaves as a Fall from Being. This Redirection in the experience of the Terms of Being (Self, Society, G-d and World) results in the collapse of Self into Society and all into World. The goal, wittingly or otherwise: a World State. SANE opposes this Redirection and its manifestations: chants of Racism, Democracy, Equal Rights, Human Rights, Women's Rights, Animal Rights, and the always growing list of what is the Single Concept: Certainty/Uncertainty = Science/Open Society = World. To understand this reciprocal and how it affects a convergence of factors bent on the destruction of National Existence is to be SANE. SANE is the first step back into the Present. And it is this step "back" to National Existence that will secure the present and protect the future.

Aren't you glad you asked? Now, if you were on a bus, and someone came up to you and said that, you would change your fucking seat. You might, depending on how loud they were, grab a transfer, get off at the next stop, and hope that the next bus on your route had fewer crazy drunk people on it. Or, barring that, had crazy drunk people who didn't capitalize so many words unnecessarily.

But let's say that, after telling you all that, the guy told you he was assembling a list of all the Muslim organizations in the country, just so he could keep an eye on them. Would you be more relieved, or less relieved? I'm guessing you'd be less relieved. Well, meet SaneWorks' "Mapping Sharia". All they've got is a blog right now, but their goals are much loftier than getting off at the next stop and scoring some mouthwash:

"[1] To conduct a thorough mapping and indexing of Shari’a in America. This will be the first of its kind Islamic threat analysis conducted on the US Homeland based upon open sources and intelligence gathering. [2] To produce an interactive map that allows a macro- and micro-analysis of the current Shari’a-based Jihadists in the US, together with a fact-specific threat level analysis. This map will be updated bi-annually by a team of investigators, researchers and analysts working under the supervision of SANE’s senior officials. [3] The detailed and person-specific information will be provided to the appropriate authorities, both governmental and civic, and will also be available upon subscription to the media, educational and research institutions, and other appropriate organizations, which will include the annual updates."

I don't know about you, but I sure hope these fucks are typical Internet dilettantes, all blog and no action. Lofty goals that never come to fruition. Because if they're serious, then they've got a project that'll make the posting of abortion doctors' home addresses seem like a friendly handshake. How paranoid are they? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

The exact number of Islamic mosques, day schools, and social clubs and organizations in the United Stated is unknown. It is estimated at over 2,000. We do know there are approximately 6 million Muslims in the US.

Over two thousand? That means there are approximately two mosques, day schools, or social clubs for every BEST BUY in America. Which means the odds of us all being forced to follow Islamic law here are roughly twice the odds of us all being forced to wear blue shirts and lie about having Wiis in stock. And six million? Two percent of the US population? That's what they're worried about being taken over by? That's who they want to follow, "investigate", and keep tabs on with an interactive map and "detailed and person-specific information"? It'd be funny if I thought it was safe to laugh them off.

And lest you think that perhaps Dave Gaubatz's more... batz-shit crazy tendencies are being kept in check by the other "senior officials" at SANE who will be supervising this process, here's a quick bit from their president, David Yerushalmi, responding to the Virginia Tech shootings. ONE MORE ACTUAL I SHIT YOU NOT QUOTE TIME!

"We have taken the position in this country that the American People and the Society we have formed is no longer about a People. It is now about legal categories. White Christians were at the founding of this nation a distinct people and privileged as such. Men of means among this people were given the opportunity for representative government. This is, for those of you flinching, not a thesis or 'viewpoint'; this is historical fact. After the Civil War, this changed; with the move into the 20th century this change became a wholesale reformation. Today, you cannot speak of Christianity in the public sphere and if you mention “white” and “Christians” in the same sentence you will be set upon as a despicable racist by every 'fair-minded' public person. And, this phenomenon extends far beyond race. It is now the case that you cannot speak of the evil of Islam and remain a serious participant in public discourse.

Sweet merciful monkeyfuck, their president sounds like he's been buying packs of the Wingnut Collectible Card Game with his mom's money and has finally assembled the ultimate deck. Persecutron, I choose YOU! Quickly, bemoan the loss of white Christian privilege! Nobody can withstand THAT withering attack!

Thank you, SANE, for once again raising the bar on you-have-got-to-be-shitting-me political crazy in a world where that should, by all rights, be impossible. You bunch of fucking SIMPs.