Memo to Craig Callaway: NICE FUCKING TRY.

The excuse, as an art form, has fallen on hard times of late. You'd think, given the sheer size of the body of work in this medium in the past few years, we'd be in the midst of an excuse renaissance, a Golden Age of getting out of shit. But no such luck.

From Alberto Gonzalez' inability to know every little detail to Scooter Libby's astonishingly poor memory to William Jefferson's "Doesn't everyone keep cash in their freezer?"*, excuses have been getting poorer and poorer. And really, it's all your fault.

Now that there's a solid 30% cadre of party loyalists ready to accept anything, no matter how ludicrous, means most people don't even have to try anymore. When all anyone has to do is find one single instance of Bill Clinton performing an act which can be described using some of the same syllables as the latest right-wing perfidy, what's the motivation to put any pride or craftsmanship in your excuse?

Which brings us, in the usual roundabout way, to Craig Callaway, disgraced former president of the Atlantic City council. Turns out Callaway turned out to be, if you'll pardon the expression, a mini-moocher. Got convicted for taking $36,000 in bribes.

I know you're shocked. I, for one, was astonished that one of the people helping to run Atlantic City, in New Jersey, known to all and sundry as the Branson of the East Coast, would be corrupt. It's like hearing Santa Claus has a five hundred dollar a day coke habit. Wait, not Santa Claus. Who am I thinking of? Oh, yeah. Chuck Barris circa 1978. I'm always getting those two mixed up.

Anyway, a court of law found Callaway guilty, and a judge sentenced him to 40 months in prison. So yes, Virginia, there is corruption in Atlantic City. Its otherwise pristine boardwalks will be forever tainted by the stain. And all because nobody believes that Craig Callaway is just a maverick, bucking the system for the good of the citizenry. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I am very zealous, very passionate when it comes to representing the people who have been left out of the process. I didn't conform to the law. I tried to make my own rules to make things better for the people who have been left out."

See? Callaway wasn't a crooked politician. He was like Dirty Harry. He was like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon. He broke the rules, but only as necessary to get the job done. I'm not sure what the job was, or why getting it done required $36,000 in bribes, but dammit, he invoked one of America's most beloved archetypes, and as such, we're honor-bound to believe in his good intentions. Right?

OK, I'm not buying it either. I don't know what the fuck Calloway was thinking. Did he actually believe people would buy into a politician who claims that when he breaks the law, he's only doing it to protect and keep safe the people he represents. Nobody'd be stupid enough to fall for that. Well, not at the local level, at least.

*OK, that one I may have embellished just a smidge.