Colorectal Creativity

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Memo to the Chesterfield County School Board: YOU ARE DUMB. AND PRUDES.

And speaking of prudishness, you'll pardon me if I avoid talking about President Bush's Mighty Surge right now. When I'm on the same side of the issue as Sam Brownback, Tucker Carlson, and 88% of the US population, my particular brand of insight is not required. It's retarded, but while the Democrats are fucking around with non-binding "it's retarded" resolutions, the troops have already started landing.

If I'm going to talk about some ass smearing red across the fabric of existence, I'm going to talk about Stephen Murmer, the latest great and sensitive soul to lose his job over his part-time, after-work Internet hobby. It's a subject that is near and dear to my heart, although thankfully never as near and dear as it could be. This is mainly because, well, I'm not a teacher. And I don't appear in YouTube videos spreading paint all over a canvas with my hinder.

Not that that should be grounds for dismissal, even in Virginia. But that's what the school board decided, when, after apparently years of this, the school finally saw through Murmer's clever pseudonym, "Stan Murmur", and a video appeared with him (disguised in fake moustache glasses) demonstrating his techniques.

Even when you factor in him using his wang for the fine detail work his tuchus is incapable of rendering. Who gives a shit? Nobody. Or, at least, nobody sane. Unless he was ruining school chairs at a rate higher than other teachers, it was his hobby. His thing on the side. His second job, even. But apparently, according to school board chairman Marshall Trammel, ass-paintings of flowers weren't acceptable. "It is not the art. It is the disruption in the classroom."

What that means, then, is that even though Murmer never waved around the brushes God gave him in the classroom, the very fact that students knew how he shook his Monetmaker was enough to ruin his career. Now, I will admit that even in my misty educational past, the knowledge that my teacher put the ass in Picasso would have been irresistible. But that's a problem with the students, not the teacher.

Now that that's out of the way, I'd like to turn my attention to a pair of nameless netizens at the Washington Post website, who followed up this article with the kind of incisive commentary that really makes you wonder if the Internet is worth all that free porn after all. First, we have "deardixie", with an astonishing bit of anatomical relativism. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I don't really have a problem with the butt art. It's the penis painting that concerns me. Too strange."

If painting with your butt is OK, but painting with your dick is evil, does that mean you go to purgatory if you taintpaint? It's a tricky question. So it's a good thing I only posed it so I could type "taintpaint". Twice. But we must set our puerile perineal posing aside so that we can address the serious concerns of "Reap What You Sow", who demonstrates such a textbook example of fact-dodging umbrage it should be cast in bronze and saved for when the Smithsonian opens an Internet wing.

"It was a poor choice and one I'm sure he regrets now. But the school board represents the parents of the county and they have spoken. There is no place for perverted paintings in Chesterfield classrooms."

Were it not for the President's address last night, I'd say "perverted paintings in Chesterfield classrooms" were the five wrongest consecutive words I'd seen all yesterday. Because the paintings never came near a Chesterfield classroom, as all accounts make plainly obvious. And on top of that, even if they DID make it there, all they are is paintings of plants and flowers. And not even Georgia O'Keefe "plants" and "flowers". Just plants and flowers. Without being told, there's no way you could know a schlong had come closer to them than would be normal given the average height of an easel.

I wish Mr. Murmer all the best, and hope that he can parlay his media attention into additional painting sales. That said, let's all hope he doesn't take up airbrushing.