Christmas Leftovers

« December 2006 »

Memo to various and sundry: YOU WERE DUMB.

So many idiots, so little time. The stupidity was flying fast and furious around the holiday season last week, but not all of it was worth a full column, so it got bumped on the priority list. SO what better time than the day after Christmas to dump all the tiny bits of unwanted chaff on an unsuspecting readership? It's time for the Spastic Boxing Day Monkey!

Georgia made the baby Jesus cry last week by striking another blow against creationists. Fun fact. Over two years ago, I spent an entire week covering various stupid things creationists were doing. And on Day Three, I covered two cases - one a school district in Dover, PA, which eventually proved to be the greatest legal blow against Intelligent Design to date, and one from Georgia, where the dipshits were putting warning stickers on biology textbooks so that students... honestly, to this day I'm still not sure what the stickers were supposed to do, at least for the students.

The point was to weaken public confidence in evolution - the kids would just peel them off idly while not paying attention to the teacher. Anyway, after being struck down in court, Cobb County has FINALLY decided to stop fighting the case. It's over, the stickers are gone. Merry Darwinmas.

But just to remind you that these people are NOT FUCKING SANE, allow me to allow you to savor the sweet, sweet disappointment of one of the big losers in the case. ACTUAL BIG LOSER TIME!

"They were trying to do the right thing. It's terrorist organizations like the ACLU that are hijacking our country's educational system by imposing their own secular agenda on the rest of us." - Larry Taylor, parent of three, creationist, and possibly a cable guy of some sort. Yeah, let's have our teaching policy driven by guys named Larry who think the ACLU are terrorists. That makes sense. You'd think that would have gotten the case thrown out years ago, even in Georgia.

You may note this year that I didn't mention the "war on Christmas" even once. That's because it's one of those rare bits of stupidity that the general population actually decided was stupid and laughable. I know! I had a hard time realizing it too. Oh, sure, O'Reilly flogged it - but we all know how much O'Reilly loves flogging it. Beyond that, the War On Christmas was relegated to the fringes, the desperate, the boring, or the desperately boring.

And when anyone, anywhere on the planet, types "desperately boring" on a keyboard, Star-Tribune columnist Katherine Kersten perks up and wonders if someone called her name. Sure enough, like Old Faithful erupting once an hour, or Bill O'Reilly erupting an hour after he gets his new producer's phone number, Kersten last week called for a "cease-fire" in the War On Christmas.

In her column, she took one bit of evidence, that Richard Dawkins wishes people "Merry Christmas", and draws the worst possible conclusion from it. Me, if I heard that the predominant anti-religion atheist in the country celebrated Christmas, I'd realize that maybe, just maybe, the rest of the secular left doesn't give a shit either. That leap of logic is a bit much for Kersten, who sends her mental motorcycle plunging into Snake River Canyon and... tells us that since Jesus invented freedom, and some secular people also like freedom, that we should all celebrate freedom by celebrating Christmas together.

"Isn't that a good foundation for a cease-fire in the Christmas wars?" Why are you asking me? You and yours are the only ones who've spent the last two years shooting off your mouths.