Walker, Texas Retard

« October 2006 »

Memo to Chuck Norris: YOU ARE DUMB.

Chuck Norris is so stupid he's unworthy of an Internet meme. Which is a feat impressive enough to warrant its own Chuck Norris Fact if he weren't unworthy of his own Internet meme. Let me put it this way. That makes Chuck Norris dumber than Zero Wing and Leeeeeeroy Jenkins PUT TOGETHER. And that's pretty damn dumb.

It's not that he's started writing a column for WorldNetDaily, the turd circling tightly around the black hole at the center of the right-wing blogosphere. If you're surprised that Chuck Norris is a far-right conservative, you don't deserve an Internet meme either. No, what makes Chuck Norris so dumb is that it turns out he's one of THOSE Christians. The Stephen Baldwin type Christians.

Even if you don't know a celebrity, you know a Stephen Baldwin Christian. Their most obnoxious trait is that they consider any sentence in any conversation an appropriate segue into discussing the love and the light of Jesus Christ, Personal Saviour, and how He can help you, too.

You know the type. You'll be at a social function, and casually remark to the person next to you that the mushroom mini-quiches are to die for. And they'll tell you that what's really to die for is YOUR SINS, AND JESUS THE CHRIST MY LORD DID DO THAT DYING FOR. And then probably ask you if you're going to finish your mini-quiche.

I know that Norris is one of those, because that's how he structured his first WorldNetDaily column - by talking about his Internet meme, and how he hopes the Chuck Norris Facts will bring fourteen year old kids on message boards closer to Christ. I shit you not. Let's enter the Octagon. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: 'Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris' warm-up exercises.' - I've got a bulletin for you, folks. I am no superman. I realize that now, but I didn't always. As six-time world karate champion and then a movie star, I put too much trust in who I was, what I could do and what I acquired. I forgot how much I needed others and especially God. Whether we are famous or not, we all need God.

Hey, Chuck? Over here. The guy in the goatee pointing at you and laughing? I don't need God. And you're a humorless fuck. I know you're a humorless fuck because before getting into the meat of your essay, you made sure to include at least three separate times that you get the jokes, you have favorites, that you appreciate them. Which you then disprove in four words with "I am no superman." Yeah, no shit, Braddock. The only reason Chuck Norris Facts are funny is because of the deliberate exaggeration of Chuck Norris the character, which is itself a huge exaggeration of Chuck Norris, The Humorless Christian Git.

"Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: 'Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever.' - There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris. If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood."

Maybe Chuck Norris DOES have amazing powers. He can certainly congeal decades of vague discomfort with religion into a nice, compact, easy-to-throw package. First, sin is the cause of all diseases? Really? That's an insult to billions of hard-working viruses who give their all every single day to shred DNA. And second, Jesus' tears and blood cure disease and heal souls? Does that mean, when we're sick or sad, we're supposed to cut open Jesus and make him cry? Because that seems like a shitty way to treat your Messiah, if you ask me.

Here's the kicker - the one I deliberately changed the order from his column to make sure it was last in mine:

"Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: 'There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.' It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures. By the way, without him, I don't have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things – and so can you."

Chuck Norris is a young-earth Creationist! Oh, there's a bit of wiggle room, he doesn't come right out and say it, but it's there in the tone and the phrasing. Especially the "separates us from all other creatures" bit. That's a Genesis literalist with a pot-belly and a beard trying to capitalize on his Internet fame without actually understanding it right there.

Since Chuck Norris is unworthy of his meme, I hereby proclaim that all Chuck Norris jokes be transferred onto a new host, like some kind of symbiotic parasite Chuck Norris thinks is caused by sin. My first thought was Jack Bauer, but first, Jack Bauer is fictional, and second, every time a liberal watches 24, Michelle Malkin thinks it's a vote for waterboarding.

Apparently there are already very similar Vin Diesel facts, but I think that misses the point. The Pacifier aside, Vin Diesel is currently attempting to transition from The Action Star That Barely Was to The Respected Former Action Star. There's Bruce Willis, but Bruce is about two years away from a WorldNetDaily column of his own, so we'd just be passing the problem on to future generations.

There's Steven Seagal, but even the infinitesimal, microscopic suspension of disbelief required to pretend that Chuck Norris is a godlike badass simply isn't possible with Seagal. Mr. T. is already the punchline to dozens of other has-been jokes, and giving him another would seem like we're playing favorites. Which leaves only one shining option.

So from now on, let it be known that JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME has only two speeds: Walk, and Kill.