The Ten Percent Problem

« October 2006 »

Memo to the dumbest ten percent: WOW, YOU'RE DUMB.

In case you're still wondering why, after everything else, that it's taken covering up for a congressman who skips votes to have cyber-sex with sixteen year old male pages to even make a FUCKING DENT in the electorate of this country, you need to look at the bottom ten percent.

I think, in the past, we've discussed the bottom 27% - the crazy people, as determined by the percentage of Illinois voters who cast ballots for Alan Keyes in 2004. The bottom ten are a subset of the 27% - the bone-stupid. The asses. The people who, even after years of this, astonish me with their impervious thickness. We need to look at the Alton Verms.

First, his name is ALTON VERM. Verm, I believe, comes from the Latin, for "eater of roadkill". Verm and his family are from Conroe, Texas. Verm is also one of those parents who gets upset when, in a desperate and likely futile attempt to ensure the next generation of Conroetexans makes it into the bottom FIFTEEN percent, the school system exposes these younguns to literature. Literature that may include the kind of language that would give CAPAlert a mild case of the hives.

Despite being incredibly stupid this is not in and of itself all that uncommon. Especially in Texas, a state where, just recently, a teacher lost her job for taking her students on an approved trip to a museum where one of them saw a stone dick. I shit you not. Look it up. What makes Alton Verm extra special, even by comparison to the rest of Texas, is the book he objected to and the... linguistically unique way he did so.

The book, and I hope you have your irony overflow buffers primed and waiting, was FAHRENHEIT 451. The classic dystopian tale of government eliminating unapproved literature with the cleansing power of fire. The only way Verm could be any less self-aware is if he tried to ban Ray Bradbury's unfinished sequel, "Trying To Ban Books In Rural Texas Public Schools Is Wrong, You Inbred Fuck".

Lest you think that perhaps I am exaggerating Alton Verms hickitude, enjoy this rich slab of his pigfucking dialect. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"It's just all kinds of filth. The words don't need to be brought out in class. I want to get the book taken out of the class." Tell him about the rabbits, George. I had to scrape cornpone off of my fingers after typing that, and I don't even know what cornpone IS.

Verm is apparently an idiot savant, because without even reading the book, he was able to determine that it contained drinking, smoking cigarettes, violence, "dirty talk," references to the Bible and using God's name in vain. Civilization has survived all that, Verm. Hell, even rural Texas has.

So their daughter, Diana, and a classmate whose parents were smart enough not to talk to the Montgomery County Courier* got to read an alternate book, "Ella Minnow Pea: A Progressively Lipogrammatic Epistolary Fable". Which is brilliant, because Alton Verm will stare at a title like that the way a chipmunk stares at an electron microscope. Unless he gets upset at "Epistolary", of course.

*A newspaper which, judging from the level at which its article was written, certainly serves its community.