Colon Blow

« August 2006 »

Memo to Katherine Kersten's colon: YOU ARE DUMB.

Of all the shit I've had to read in the last week, the worst by far was when I saw Katherine Kersten's colon. Her gratuitous, some might say even spastic colon makes me irritable. I don't know why she even has a colon at all. It's a patently unnecessary appendage for a bland, right-wing culture warrior and newspaper columnist.

So really, fuck Katherine Kersten. Right in her colon.

The last time I mentioned Kersten, I mentioned I found her dull and pointless. This is still true. But since she decided to pick on one of my pet subjects, violent video games, I feel the need to give her colon a swift booting.

Her column was triggered by the completely expected ruling that the Minnesota Stupid Fucking Act of 2006 was unconstitutional. The law, for those of you who hate clicking, would levy a twenty-five dollar fine against any minor caught buying an M-rated video game. Unenforcable, pointless, stupid.

As a result, Kersten was beside herself over the activist judge who ruled against it. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Our kids can easily get their hands on "Manhunt," or other M-rated games such as "Resident Evil: 4,"God of War" or "Postal 2: Apocalypse Weekend." Games such as these invite kids to set people on fire, urinate on them or disembowel them. Young players can rack up points for raping women."

I will give her credit. God of War was popular, has blood, has boobies, and is only eighteen months old, making it the single most relevant game ever cited by foes of evil video games. The rest is the usual rightwank. Nobody played Postal 2. Nobody. Almost nobody played Manhunt, and three years after its release, the apparently inevitable epidemic of twelve-year-olds making snuff films has yet to materialize.

And once again, I have to state for the record that these people have NO FUCKING CLUE what they're talking about, because there isn't a single American mass-market game released in the past two decades that allows any people, young or otherwise, to rack up points for raping women. NO GAME DOES THIS. None. Rape is not a game mechanic. And Katherine Kersten cannot name any game that allows players to rape women, because not only do they not exist, but as a right-wing columnist, she's required by law to repeat third-hand bullshit she heard someone read on Focus On The Family's website once, instead of actually playing a game herself.

If she had any first-hand experience with, well, ANY form of entertainment whatsoever, she wouldn't be sticking her colon where it doesn't belong. And where her colon doesn't belong is, as you can note in the quote above, between the word EVIL and the number 4. What the fuck is that?

It's RESIDENT EVIL 4. It's called Resident Evil 4 because it's the fourth* Resident Evil game. It's not a fucking subtitle. I can't think of a single sequel, in any medium, that decided to put a colon between the title and the number. But there it is. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Kersten's gay-bashing columns show that she has an unhealthy colon fixation.

Since Kersten seems to get a pass on basic facts and basic punctuation, I know it's too much to ask that she be required to follow basic logic, but still:

"Ask anyone you know -- your neighbor, your barber, a junior high school teacher -- who has kids or works with them: How would a typical 14-year-old boy be affected by immersing himself in a video game that mimics snuff films? You'll get a common-sense answer. Only don't ask a federal judge. You'll get a cold, detached answer from the world of social science."

This is why people don't realize Stephen Colbert is a parody, you know. Here's Katherine Kersten, saying in all seriousness that we should discard the rational findings of judges and social science, and instead apply a meaningless fine to an art form, based on the gut feelings of people on the street who are given a simplistic description of a three-year-old game that was a COMMERCIAL FAILURE.

That seems like a shit policy to me, but thank goodness we have Katherine Kersten's colon to show us the way.

*I know what you're thinking, and you're right, but as much as I love lengthy digressions, the question of Capcom's numbering system as it relates to various side projects, spinoffs, online games, and Code Veronica would just send the whole column careening into a ditch.