Octogenarian Autoeroticism

« July 2006 »

Memo to semantics: I LOVE YOU.

There is great joy in language. The construction of words into orderly and attractive shapes. It's one of the best things about sapience. There's nothing like being able to construct a sentence out of individual words, and have the result be a glorious thing to behold. For example:

Norm Coleman was arrested on Tuesday for lewd and disorderly conduct.

Isn't that a beautiful sentence? The series of circumstances that had to fall into place to make such a thing factually correct almost makes one question the randomness of life.

Because the first event that had to happen fell into place back in August 1949, when Brooklyn resident Norm Coleman, either out of egotism or exhaustion, named one of his (eventually) eight children after himself. Then Norm Junior had to grow up, go into politics, become an asshole, and piss me off repeatedly.

And then Norm Sr. had to fuck a woman half his age in a car on the street in St. Paul and get busted for it.

It rarely gets better than that, folks. You've got Senator Coleman, Republican convert, Bushlicker, family values kind of guy. And then you've got his war hero pappy, age EIGHTY ONE, banging some woman half his age in a car on the street and forcing locals to call the cops on them.

This raises a number of issues. First and foremost, if you've been in the Twin Cities this week, you know as well as I do that it's Too Damn Hot. Certainly too damn hot for senior citizens to be engaging in any kind of automotive escapades. Either the man was running his AC in a parked car, which is not environmentally friendly, or he was risking a heat stroke in addition to the regular kind of stroke.

Also. As much as I love the above sentence, God invented impotence so that I wouldn't have to read news stories about 81-year-old men getting their wrinkles removed in their cars. Fuck you, Pfizer, and the tiny blue horse you rode in on.


"I do not condone his actions or behavior, and I am deeply disturbed by what I have learned. He clearly has some issues that need to be dealt with, and I will encourage him to seek the necessary help." - Senator Norm Coleman.

Now I know that it can't be easy, as a sitting US senator, especially one with huge freaky teeth, to decide what to say to the press on the occasion of your elderly, married father being picked up by the local constabulatory for getting his stick shift rammed into overdrive outside a St. Paul pizza place. Picked up, I might add, along with an accomplice who is decidedly not the senator's -mother-.

But somehow, Norm Coleman managed to (a) come off as the most sex-negative tight-assed Puritan on the planet, and (b) deliver, as the local chatter has shown, one hell of an innuendo. The traditional punchline, of course, deals with just what issues Randy McFucksalot was dealing with, and what necessary help he was receiving when the cops pulled up.

Oh, sure, this story will fade quickly into the background, the victim of its general unseemliness and the laughable ideals the press tries to pretend it has about personal privacy. But while it lasts, let's all enjoy watching Norm Coleman squirm. An option that was, sadly, not possible for the bystanders in St. Paul on Tuesday.