The Power Of Positive Thinking

« July 2006 »

Every silver lining has a cloud. Every corner turned has a suicide bomber waiting just around it. It's a very special Friday here at YAD, where we take actual good news and ruin it through the power of pure cynicism. SPASTIC CYNIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

We start with a quick update on Rev. William Lawson, who wasn't content to compare his rich dead bestest buddy Ken Lay to John Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., and Jesus. We thought he couldn't be any more tacky, but we were wrong. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Ken Lay was neither black nor poor, as James Byrd was. But I'm angry because Ken was the victim of a lynching." - Lawson, at Lay's funeral. This moves Rev. Lawson up to #4 on the global list of people who need to fuck off right now, behind Osama Bin Laden, George W. Bush, and K-Fed.

In other good news, the Bush administration has finally been forced to establish, as policy, that our prisoners of war are prisoners of war and are entitled to be treated under the Geneva Conventions.

Great, right? Not if you're a Spastic Cynic Monkey. Because we all know what this REALLY means. The detainees we know about, held by the military, get Geneva as long as anybody's watching. Secret CIA detainees still get tortured in Eastern European hellholes, and anyone else they can keep out of view better not assume their nuts are safe from the car battery and alligator clips.

What's the worst that could happen? Bush could get caught breaking the law. And we know the only consequence of THAT is Brit Hume pulling down a bit of overtime pay justifying it every hour or so on Fox.

In other "good" news in the Global American Fight Against Radical Swarthiness, Halliburton's no-bid contract to pocket billions of dollars while occasionally putting up a mess hall in Iraq is going to be re-bid.

Great, right? Not if you're a poorly-focused, disenchanted weekend simian. Three-plus years of profiteering so shameless it would make a Vanderbilt blush to the knees, and now, any calls for investigations or accountability will be brushed off because the infamous no-bid contract is over.

And if you think the re-bidding is going to go fairly and smoothly, with the most competent and able company winning the lucrative deal, then you should be checked out by a competent neurologist, because accidentally typing "" when you meant to type "" may be signs of a disorder even more severe than just plain meaning to type "".