Now They Care

« May 2006 »

Time to pick up the scattered fragments of dumbassitude that litter the landscape like so many drooling tumbleweeds. It's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY.

Isn't it great that we finally know what it'll take to get Congress concerned about the drastic overreach of executive power? Fucking hell. While I do understand that the FBI search of Freezer Boy's offices was an unprecedented event, I'd just like to reassure Tom DeLay, Dennis Hastert, Bill Frist, etc. that the government is only targeting people suspected of wrongdoing, or associates of those suspected of wrongdoing. I'm sure your privacy will be fiercely protected during all these searches.

And if you've got nothing to hide, what are you worried about? Oh, right, the PRINCIPLE of the thing. The constitutional crisis bit. I get it. Wink wink nudge nudge. Memo to the FBI - search their mini-fridges first. They may be keeping very small bribes in them.

Given their reaction to the Jefferson office search, I can only conclude that it would be in the best interests of the country if Bill Frist were waterboarded for 48 hours, all calls to and from Tom DeLay's phone numbers were given to USA Today, and Tom Tancredo's salary was reduced to $3 a day.

If you want to know how big a bitchslap to the creationist movement the Dover decision was, take note of this - I finally saw a story about uppity creationists this week, and it was in Salluit. You don't know where Salluit is, because it's in Quebec. Northern Quebec. Canada. Which, as far as I can tell, is like Arkansas with all the molecular motion removed.

Apparently the small rural Inuit community doesn't want its children taught that they came from African monkeys, so the school board has asked teachers to cut back on evolution teaching out of respect for the culture.

If I were them, I'd be less worried about the kids learning about evolution, and more worried about learning of the existence of warm climates. Or the fact that poutine tastes better than raw seal. But that's just me. Inuit or Christian, when the world's workings contradict with your beliefs, that is not the world's fault. On the other hand, if northern Quebec stays ignorant of science, it'll be that much easier to take over up there in 30 years or so when it becomes habitable.

I'm glad Ken Lay's been found guilty, but can someone please give me an acceptable reason why we have to wait FOUR MONTHS for him to be sentenced? This thing's drawn on so long I have to explain Enron jokes to my younger readers. I don't care about busy court dockets or legal procedure. The only people who benefit from a four-month wait between verdict and sentencing are Ken Lay and a bunch of lawyers, and they've benefitted enough for one lifetime.

I mean, it's bad enough that whatever punishment he receives will be ultimately deeply unsatisfying. Personally, I think a series of elderly California women should be allowed to squat over his head and force him to experience rolling brownouts. They say that justice delayed is justice denied. I say that justice delayed pisses me off. Send a dozen marijuana possession cases home with an admonishment not to do it again and free up some docket-room for Kenny Boy. Society will be better for it.