Stop Hitting Your Pillowmother

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Memo to dumbfucks: JUST LEAVE THEM BE.

I don't understand why you have to spend so much of your time and energy trying to save us from the gays and save the gays from the gays and save the church from the gays and so on and so forth until the heat death of the universe, or Left Behind becomes a documentary, whichever comes first.

I mean I -do- understand, in the sense that I understand that you're a bunch of bigoted fucknuts repressing your own homosexual tendencies by beating up a segment of the population that would gladly ignore you if you'd just return the favor. That part I understand. I just don't understand why you can't get the fuck over it and move on.

You've gotta constantly try to convince the rest of us that gay equals bad. Like my buds at the Howard Foundation, who sent another e-mail about the evils of homosexuality. Their latest missive describes the miserable life of a gay man who, during his life, came to this conclusion: "I've come to the conclusion that it's wrong to be queer, but that's a long story."

Well, stop the fucking presses! A known homosexual said being queer was wrong! And he would know, right? Well, sort of.

The questioning queer in question was W.H. Auden. Who was gay, a poet, and said that in 1947. He was a gay poet in 1947. OF COURSE HE WAS UNHAPPY. He was gay, he was a poet, it was 1947! At least two of those are guaranteed misery by themselves. Taken in concert, you've got a trifecta that makes Morrissey look like Rip Fucking Taylor. But every unhappy homo is a point in the "win" column for the Howard Foundation, and isn't that just spiffingly Christian of them?

And speaking of spiff, I would be remiss if I didn't once again derisively mention one of the greatest crimes of our generation - "gay cure" therapy. Desperately stupid people taking advantage of desperate, stupid people. There are three opinions in this world that I absolutely cannot abide the presence of - that "Batman and Robin" is a good movie, that evolution is "just a theory", and that you can cure homosexuality.

Especially the way Richard Cohen does it. Cohen was profiled on CNN recently, which I'm vaguely dubious about. It's good to see what these fucks really are, but the nature of modern news means that putting them on at all means they have to be treated as if they're potentially valid. Placed on an equal footing with the entire psychological community as two sides of an "unsettled issue".

Even though Cohen claims it's "discrimination" to say that gay people have to be gay. Even though he treats homosexuality as the result of childhood trauma. Even though one of his clients was convinced that he was the victim of "emotional incest" by his mother.

And even though Cohen's therapy involves CUDDLING WITH MEN. Cuddling with Cohen, no less. But not in a gay way, more of a Viking way. Oh, and let's not fail to mention the repeatedly hitting a pillow with a tennis racket while screaming "MOM!" over and over. I shit you not. After watching him finish his whacking with "WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME", I can safely say that Richard Cohen needs to suck a dick more than any man in the history of humankind.

And the CNN piece concluded with Cohen's poor, deluded anonymous patient, who is finally able to chat with women on the Internet after his long hours of asexual couch-cuddling with Cohen. The final voiceover talks about the client's "peace of mind", which I have a perfectly logical explanation for. He was in a chat room on the Internet. Which means he'd actually spent all his time typing romantically to OTHER MEN.

Which, whether he realizes it now or not, is the way it should be, and any pathetic, self-loathing fucks like Rob Cohen or the Howard Foundation who feel the desperate need to constantly say otherwise need to back the hell off and tend to their own twisted psyches.