It's Like Meat You Can Beat Outside

« May 2006 »

Memo to FOX 9 News At 9: YOU ARE DUMB.

Yes, it's Blindingly Obvious Week on YAD. Corrupt politicians are bad! Oliver North is stupid! And one local TV station is so stupid, it could kill you. We'll tell you which one in the next paragraph.

It's Minnesota's own FOX 9 News at 9. And if you couldn't deduce that between the first and third paragraphs, you're qualified to be on their investigative team, who informed me last night that Sony should have called their Playstation Portable the Pornstation Pornable, because of all the porn you can view on it.

They actually only mentioned that some people call it the "Playstation Pornable", which gratuitously proves that I'm more clever than Fox 9's investigative team AND the people whacking off to their PSPs. Doubling up on the porn makes it better. Anyway, the Fox 9 Investigators are shocked, shocked, SHOCKED to learn that a device capable of displaying pictures, playing videos, and accessing the Web could be used for pornography.

Apparently these fools were asleep during the entirety of recorded history. From cave walls to glossy paper to cell phones, anything that could display pictures has been used to display pictures of boobies. From kinescopes to plasma TVs to windows, any device capable of displaying moving images has been used to let us watch people fucking. And any device ever that has been connected to the Internet has, at one point or another, advertently or otherwise, been used to download porn. The PSP has the functionality of all three ways, which means it has the functionality to show you all three-ways.

And over a year after its release, this has come to the attention of the all-seeing eye of local news. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"If it's supposed to be made for kids, you shouldn't be able to get access to this stuff." - Concerned parent Michelle Stumne-Rovick, as the Crystal Method's "Busy Child" plays in the background. Stumne-Rovick's stupidity is obvious. I just wanted to point out the hilarity of FOX's hip news team overlaying their quick-cuts of PSP hockey games with a techno song from almost ten fucking years ago.

"Who'd have thought this little gadget would create such a fuss?" - Investigator Jeff Baillon. The answer to Baillon's question is, as always, ANYONE WHO THOUGHT.

"On a dare, Jeff showed his friends how his PSP could magically display images of naked women."- Baillon

I think it's crazy, I really do. Why do they make a game like this? - Stumne-Rovick, as they park outside a carefully-chosen branch of the public library to use the WiFi signal.

Maybe if we didn't combine tittyphobic puritanism with a level of technophobia that allows an investigative journalist to call WiFi "magic", we wouldn't have a problem. Then people would know the difference between a web page and a game. Then people might put more thought into handing a two-hundred-dollar black box to their spawn than they probably devoted to that spawn's conception.

But until that glorious day, Jeff Baillon is still drawing a richly undeserved paycheck scaring you with magic breasts that appear in front of your innocent children at the library.