A Special Day

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Memo to The Usual Targets: TODAY IS YOUR DAY.

If there are two constituencies in this world regularly ill-served by this column, it is theists and Republicans. This is, largely, their own damn fault, and I don't feel bad about providing them the shortest of shrifts on a regular basis.But today I find myself strangely inspired by The Maverick, John McCain, who this weekend abandoned his pesky principles and reached out to Jerry Falwell and his Liberty University, delivering a powerful pro-war message and not mentioning any of those pesky social issues that Liberty University is so famous for. He reached out to conservatives, he reached out to religious nuts. And to honor his courageous spirit, his headfirst plunge into the belly of the beast to compliment it on its very well-maintained stomach lining, I hereby devote today's column to the possibility that there is a God.

And, more to the point, the possibility that if God exists, a vital part of His divine plan is that any and all Kennedys spend a lot more time walking.

They say all politics is local, and I think that the Kennedys need to internalize that message more than most. This is a family with a long, unpleasant history with vehicles. And I think it's officially time that they realized this, and just hoofed it everywhere.

Look at the record. JFK, motorcade. JFK Jr., private plane. Ted, car and booze. Patrick, car and Ambien. Schwarzenegger married a Kennedy and bought the first Hummer, starting a trend that will drown us all under what used to be penguin playgrounds.

I actually constructed this theory after the Patrick Kennedy crash, which annoyed me on so many levels anyway. As a 37-year-old liberal, I've literally had to spend my ENTIRE LIFE in the shadow of Ted Kennedy's drunken splashdown. Fairly or otherwise, the right has been able to use Chappaquiddick over and over again since 1969. So you can imagine how I felt when another goddamned Kennedy under the influence of something or other crashed his car into something or other.

And then yesterday, I read about Ted Kennedy and a vehicle in the news again, and now I'm really starting to wonder if something's going on. Ted Kennedy's plane was forced to make an emergency landing on Saturday. He was flying home from a commencement speech when his plane lost power, you see.

AFTER IT GOT HIT BY LIGHTNING.

This is the kind of shit that got religion started, you realize. Freaky coincidences, bolts of lightning out of the blue, human minds seeking connections and finding them whether they exist or not. I mean, come on. The bolt of lightning, as a symbol of divine displeasure, is bordering on the cliche. And it happened to a Kennedy, in a vehicle. So maybe there is a God, and maybe he hates the Kennedys.

But I still don't think he picked Dubya to be Presdent. I'll throw you people a bone, but I won't launch one out of a fucking cannon.