Use The Force, SUCKERS!

« May 2006 »

Memo to Scott Kurtz and Ilk: YOU ARE DUMB.

I single out Kurtz only because he's the first and highest-profile bitcher I came across on the Internerd yesterday, and I can quote him without visiting message boards, thereby saving what last few shreds of sanity and soul I can lay claim to.

Anyway, the issue at hand is the announcement, yesterday, of new Star Wars DVDs due out this fall. They're sold individually, they include the Special Editions, and they also include the Unspecial Editions. In all their shooting-first, white-wall, no-CGI-dinosaur, Yub-Nub glory.

You would think this would make the nerds happy. I mean, it makes ME happy. And by the Lambert Projection Principle, that means you all should be happy, too. And some of you are, and some of you aren't, and you've got nobody to blame but your own fucking nerd selves. And to demonstrate this, I present Scott Kurtz, author of PvP, Star Wars nerd. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"But don't you guys feel beat up yet by the lucasfilm camp?. Don't you feel a little bit abused by now?"

I don't. But then, I make my entertainment decisions based on the concept of free will, which dictates that companies offer options to me, and I can choose to partake in those options, or not, as I see fit. Thus, their ability to "abuse" me doesn't exist, because at the end of the day, they can't make me walk to the counter at Best Buy.

"Hasn't the Lucas camp been swearing on Bibles since the late 1990's that they would NEVER, EVER release the theatrical versions of these movies on DVD? And since then, how many versions of the original Trilogy have been put out for fans to purchase in lieu of what they truly wanted? Two or three at least. And we bought them. What else could we do?"

What else could you do? NOT BUY THEM. If they weren't what you wanted, you didn't have to get them. You know how I know this? Because The Empire Strikes Back is quite possibly my favorite movie of all time, and I don't own a single fucking Star Wars DVD. Why? Because I had a choice.

But Kurtz and Ilk are suddenly shocked that George Lucas is being inconsistent. George Lucas! Doing something one year, then changing it a few years later! That runs counter to everything we've ever known! If George Motherfucking Lucas says the movies will never be released, they'll never be released, because George Motherfucking Lucas never changes his mind about ANYTHING.

Jedi, please. There's a simple way you could have known, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Star Wars Classic would be available on DVD eventually. It's because EVERYTHING will be out on DVD eventually. And you know how I know this? The first season of "227" is out on DVD. If there's a market for the first season of 227, there's a market for Star Wars. And if there's a market for it, it will be sold, no matter how many claims of artistic intent George Lucas makes.

"I think the only reason to buy these new DVD's is so that one day, I can sit down with my kids and share with them the same experience I once shared with my father. That's something I've been looking forward to probably ever since 1977. I certainly don't appreciate, however, how hard Lucas has made me work for that privilege."

OK, first of all, if Scott Kurtz really came out of a theater in 1977 anxious to knock up some babe so that someday, he could watch the Death Star explode with his spawn in his living room, that dude's a much bigger geek than I thought he was.

And second of all, FUCK OFF. You didn't work hard. You didn't work hard at all. You didn't even work hard for the money you spent on the DVDs. You drew pictures of pandas mauling nerds and had people send you money. More power to you, but don't fucking martyr yourself because YOU decided to buy the SE videotapes and YOU decided to buy the SE DVD's and YOU'RE GOING TO decide to buy the fall Classic releases. You have been, at most, mildly inconvenienced by your own fanboyism. Shut the fuck up.

At the end of the day, this is a situation where blind fanboys lose, and smart nerds win. You know what I call that? One step closer to Utopia.