Oh, Something's Being Passed

« May 2006 »

Memo to The Dove Foundation: YOU ARE DUMB.

And by dumb, I mean holy fucking shit on deep-fried toast dumb. I mean retarded slugs think this is an awful idea dumb. I mean if I'm trapped in an elevator with one of these people and their ideal entertainment, one of us is going to die, and I don't care who. So this column's traditional salutation really does not cover the range of emotion I feel about the Dove Foundation's product recommendations

The Dove Foundation is one of Those organizations. Like CAPAlert. Ultrajesusy arbiters of modern media and its value to the family. Their movie reviews are dull, though, without the over-the-top railing that makes other sites so much "fun". I checked out their American Dreamz review hoping for lots of "how dare they", and just got a couple of paragraphs of "they're mocking Christians". DISAPPOINTING.

On the other hand, their profanity counter beats the shit out of CAPAlert's "foulest of the foul words" schtick. Here is the language score for the film adaptation of Doom. ACTUAL SCORE TIME!

F-19, S-19, GD-8, J-4, D-1, H-6, A-1.

I think I've got Fuckbingo!

Because I've seen Doom. And I guarantee you, the problem with Doom is not that they said "Hell" six times. It's that they didn't say "Hell" enough. And never went there. And never fought demons. Also, it sucked. But that's beside the point.

Because the problem with equating wholesomeness with quality is that sometimes, the most wholesome things are in fact the worst things ever seen or heard on the planet. Allow me to present to you the Dove-recommended audio Darfur known only as "The Best Of Pass-It-On E-Mails, Volume One: The Journey Begins."

Yes, it's exactly what it sounds like. A full half-hour of some dickwad reading aloud a selection of the inspirational and comedy e-mails you added your aunt to the spam-blocker to avoid reading ever again. Now, I can understand why Christians might enjoy a selection of written documents that change slightly every time they're transcribed and aren't actually true, but still. Paying money to have e-mails read aloud to you? Nobody can really enjoy that, can they? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Are you tired of listening to the music on the radio? Well here is a cute CD that will put a smile on your face. Listening to 'The Best of Pass-it-on E-mails' Vol. One, reminds me of the stories my mom told me about listening to radio shows when she was a kid. It will have you laughing out loud to some of the stories. The wonderful narration of Bob Noble keeps you entertained."

It was much better than Cats. I want to fornicate with the spindle-hole again and again.

Ten bucks gets you Volume 1. But no amount of money can make you clean again. Only Volume 1 is available, but he's threatening the world with nine more. Forget about Iran. Bob Noble's the one that needs a house call from Dr. Bunker Q. Buster. Preferably before the "Patriotism Still Reigns" disc becomes available.

Bob Noble, by the way, is a veteran actor of motion pictures, TV, and theater. If you believe his website. IMDB claims he was Dr. Festerspoon in two episodes of "Clarissa Explains It All". I think that explains it all. Feel free to enjoy the rest of his filmography yourself - it is guaranteed to be funnier than all ten volumes of "The Best Of Pass It On E-Mails" put together.

And, unless you're Bob Noble, it's a lot less likely to make you eat a bullet.