A Grain Of Salt

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Memo To Ashton Kutcher: I AIN'T BUYIN' IT.

Or Allen Funt, or Jamie Kennedy, or whoever it is that thinks they can fuck with me. Nope. Not buying it. I've been doing this column for a while now. I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Democrats on fire off the shoulder of California. I watched Pinyan glitter in the dark near Enumclaw Gate. All those stupid, stupid moments will be lost in time, like tears. But this shit? This shit's gotta be a joke.

You expect me to sit here and believe that actual human beings are upset because someone is singing the national anthem in Spanish? That's crazy talk. It's just the National Anthem. Sung in Spanish. With a bit of Esteban acoustic guitar in the background. Who gives a shit? Nobody, that's who.

For you to believe that the National Anthem, sung in Spanish, was some kind of problem, or some kind of threat, you would have to abandon all perspective, all rational thought. You would have to be foaming at the mouth so much your tinfoil hat would rust. You would have to have suffered some kind of severe head trauma by an object coated entirely in mercury.

Anyone caught objecting to the National Anthem sung in Spanish automatically forsakes any claim they may have had to be taken seriously on any other topic. Period. If someone told me the National Anthem should only ever be sung in English, and then told me orgasms feel good, I'd contemplate celibacy just on principle. Because that first statement is the product of a mind completely divorced from reality.

I also refuse to believe that Hillary Clinton came out in favor of a wall along the Mexican border. Like the National Anthem thing, the Mexican border wall is a concept espoused only by the criminally insane, or people so stupid they need a helper monkey to tie their shoelaces for them.

It's just utterly impractical, for reasons that should be obvious to anyone who's ever been near the Mexican border. Or who's ever seen a map. Or whoever's stood erect on dry land. So when I read reports that Hillary was pro-wall, calling for a high-tech "smart fence" along stretches of the border, I have to assume some kind of massive transcription error, hoax, or both. Because the only thing crazier than spending billions of dollars to wall off the entire border is to spend billions of dollars to fence off portions of the border with really expensive fence-lets that people will just WALK AROUND.

Because the other possibility is that Hillary is desperately trying to appeal to as many people as possible in an attempt to seem like a moderate presidential candidate, and that's the kind of thing that will, as I've mentioned previously, lead to my death by brain aneurysm on Election Day 2008.

So come out behind the potted plant, you camera-wielding prankfuckers. Abandon your wacky shenanigans and return to your normal anti-social behavior. Because I'm not falling for the fake bloggers, or the supposed "quotes from the President", or the news stories about Clinton. You'll be popping out any moment now. I know it.