At Least He's Flexible

« April 2006 »

Memo to The South: IT'S A START.

Oklahoma. Where the pigs run squealin' from the pain. Where a Broadway musical is the state's only link to anything resembling culture. Tennessee may be the dumbest state in the union, but Oklahoma, I think, is the pigfuckiest. At least Texas has money and the Southeast has water. Oklahoma just has Oklahomans.

I've said it before, but it bears repeating here. If Southerners don't want to be seen as inbred pigfuckers, they have three options. One, stop being inbred pigfuckers. Two, move away from all the inbred pigfuckers. And three, step up and do something about your inbred pigfucker neighbors. And I'm proud to say that Bray, Oklahoma has taken it's first baby steps toward that third option.

So what did it take? What action by an Oklahoman was seen as so unspeakably hick that the citizens of Bray, Oklahoma dared not be tarred by it? A lawn sign.

But this was no ordinary lawn sign, This was no Kerry-Edwards '04, or Support The Troops: Bring Them Home, or Moustache Rides $0.25, the kinds of things you might think would rile the Brayites. No, this sign was an advertisement, a request, a cry for help. ACTUAL SIGN QUOTE TIME!

"$1,000 Reward: Cute Virgin Bride That Can Give Children - MUST Be God-fearing."

There's more, but it was hand-scrawled by an Oklahoman moron and filmed by an Oklahoman camera crew, so I can't make out the details other than the bit that specifies the preferred age of the bride: 12 to 24.

This dreamboat is 45-year-old Michael Thelemann, a motorcycle-ridin', balding, beardy mental midget. He put ths sign up, and told local news he was "waiting to see what God comes up with. A twelve-year old is an option."

Thelemann's neighbors were understandably upset, and the sign was stolen. Undaunted, Thelemann put up a new sign, which does not mention ages, but does include the clarification that any potential applicant should not be a "pig-worshipping, heathen, white-supremacist”. I can see where one, maybe two of those might be of special concern in Bray, but all three? I'm not sure Thelemann can afford to be that picky.

What truly amazes me about this whole thing is not Thelemann's admittedly icky and borderline-psychotic goal, but the mindset that thought a lawn sign was the best way to go about achieving it. It's 2006. Does he not have public Internet access within the range of his motorcycle?

Plus, even in Oklahoma, a thousand dollars is a pretty fucking lowball offer for a virgin child bride. That's a seller's market no matter where you are. Thelemann really should have sold his plasma for another year and gotten a bigger dowry saved up. It's not like he can get any less appealing.

And second, his sign violates all the rules even a first-year marketing student learns. Among advertising media, "Sharpie And Cardboard" falls just behind "Website Banner Ad" as the least effective ever. And that's only because all those kiddie car washes count as successes.

Finally, his prose struck an unfortunate balance - not legible enough to keep him from looking bad, but not illegible enough to keep people from figuring out that what he wanted was really icky even by Oklahoma standards.