Pimento Up Your Ass

« April 2006 »

Memo to Olive Tree Ministries: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I know Chrazies For Christ are fucking nuts. I know they're idiots. I know they're twisted little fruits. I know they are the ultimate expression of the dangers of religion. I know I hate their pious fucking guts. They should not be able to surprise me.


Take Olive Tree Ministries, a full-on, Book of Revelations, end-times, it's all going down any minute now "organization". Jesus is coming, Armageddon is nigh. How nigh? Don't ask them specifics. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"While we like to tell people He shall soon appear in His glory, we also urge them to not focus on the day or hour of the Lord’s return, but to be about evangelizing the lost while there is still time. That is the central message of an “end-time” ministry or else it places its focus on the wrong emphasis. - Yeah. Olive Tree Ministries, this is the first chapter of any book by James Randi. Chapter, meet Olive Tree Ministries. They're assholes.

For the most part, they're worried about the kinds of things you'd expect them to be worried about. Homosexuals. Arabs. Immigrants. Homosexual Arab immigrants. And that threat to mankind, a man so dangerous his mere presence requires direct intervention by God himself, the Dalai Lama.

Yes, the Dalai Lama. More powerful than five Chuck Norri* combining to form the Octagon Ranger Megazord. More dangerous than snakes on a plane*. More dangerous than planes on a snake. The Dalai Lama is sabretooth ebola on a stick. And the only thing stopping him from engulfing Rochester, MN in a mushroom cloud of bird flu is Olive Tree Ministries.

I realize that's a lot of hyperbole. But you're about to find out that I need a lot. Here's Olive Tree Ministries founder Jan Mark(ofthebeast)ell on the Dalai Lama's visit to the Mayo Clinic. ACTUAL WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKETY FUCK QUOTE TIME!

"You've got hundreds if not thousands of people like that, in that mental state, and then along comes this false prophet, who probably is going to give them some kind of lie because he represents everything that has to do with the New Age movement."

That mental state, by the way, is "sick". Actually, physically sick. And the lie the Dalai Lama is bringing to them? Well, the title of his talk is "Compassion In The Face Of Suffering".

Yes, this self-righteous, vile, Left-Behind-reading mental midget is praying to protect the Mayo Clinic from a message of compassion, because it comes from a bald Tibetan who doesn't believe that Jesus is going to set all the Arabs on fire next Tuesday.

And you can comfort yourself with knowing they're crazy. And you can comfort yourself with knowing they're wrong. But as you drift off to sleep tonight, remember one thing. A few weeks back, when the President dodged a question about his belief in the Imminent Biblical Apocalypse? Jan Markell was exactly the kind of person he was trying not to offend.

*Watch as he takes a played-out netmeme and brings it, shuddering, back to comedic life! Without a safety harness.