Great American Meltdown Pot

« April 2006 »

Memo to America's illegal immigrants: THANK YOU.

To be perfectly honest, I'm ambivalent about the illegal immigration issue. It's a system that allows businesses to exploit people, and I don't like that. On the other hand, most people opposed to it do so on entirely prick-based grounds.

So I decide the same way I do with any complex geopolitical conundrum: any time one side of the debate manages to induce sputtering retardoplexy in a group of people already identified as known assholes, well, I find my sympathies shifting accordingly. So I would like to thank illegal immigrants, and their supporters, for so thoroughly pissing off the redneck, racist, jingoistic, if-English-was-good-enough-for-Jesus-it's -good-enough-for-the-DMV crowd last week.

I'd also like to thank you for showing the way politics is supposed to work in this country. Let's say, just for the sake of argument, that Congress passes a law containing something mind-bogglingly stupid, pointless, and wasteful. Like, say, a 700 mile fence along the Mexican border. The kind of idea that had previously been relegated to the world of metaphor. The kind of political solution that only makes sense after your fourth beer in a sports bar. Obviously, our government would be smarter than that, but let's just say the House passed such a bill.

What would normally happen is that nobody would care. Cable news would put the bill's author in one window, and some random opponent in the other, the public would be left with the impression that both sides had a case, and we'd all go back to our lives.

What SHOULD happen is that people would collectively express the sentiment "What the FUCK? A seven hundred mile fence? No more Pabst Blue Ribbon for you, House of Representatives" by taking to the streets in unprecedented numbers and shouting loud enough that the government would hear. And listen, at least to the stunted, atrophied extent that they're capable.

And when that actually did happen, it brought a smile to my face. And when the asshats reacted to it in predictable, yet amusing ways, that smile got bigger. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"To all those protestors who are stealing the American dream while waving the mexican flag and holding signs in spanish, I say, 'go to hell'... It's time to show these illegal immigrants what America is all about. It's time to give them a lesson in freedom. It's time to stage our own protest, it's time to burn the mexican flag. Burn the mexican flag. Be proud to burn the mexican flag in protest of these illegal immigrant leeches. If these scum can't appreciate what American has given them at the expense of the American taxpayer, than I say burn the mexican flag. Burn the mexican flag. - Aaron Margolis, of the "Pardon My English" blog.

I'm confused. What does he want us to do again?

I picked this quote because it highlights what's pushing these fucks' buttons. Signs in Spanish. Mexican flags. I don't know why Margolis feels so personally threatened. It's not like these immigrants are coming over to write shitty blogs for one third of the Google Ads revenues an American blog would bring in. Margolis is the essence of xenophobia - irrationally threatened by the mere existence of "other" in a space he thinks of, equally irrationally, as "his".

Luckily, our elected officials are free of that kind of crazy talk. Like Rep. Virgil Goode of Virginia, who offered this helpful advice. "I say if you are here illegally and want to fly the Mexican flag, go to Mexico and wave the American flag."

I think, as a condition of re-election to the House, Goode should be required to explain, before a panel of neutral logicians and grammarians, what the fuck he was talking about. I mean, if they did that, wouldn't they just piss off all the Mexican uberpatriotic right-wingers? It confuses me. But I guess that's why I'm not making the laws.

But Dana Rohrbacker's making the laws. You remember Rohrbacker. He's a human talking point machine. And he thinks that instead of illegal immigrants, we should have prison convicts do the farm work. Which seems like a good idea, until you factor in the costs of the massive database of psychological data that would be necessary to match up convicts. Because when they escape, in handcuffed pairs, they're constitutionally obligated to be a wacky, mismatched pair.

Me, I'd just go with the immigrants.