Kill Me, I'm Irish!

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Memo to John Dunleavy: YOU ARE DUMB. AND LATE.

On Friday, I connected, almost instinctively, two things I really hate. St. Patrick's Day and bigotry. It was mainly a matter of convenience, a transparent attempt to make two unrelated topics fit into one column. And it's a shame, really, because had I known about John Dunleavy, I could have saved myself a lot of effort.

John Dunleavy runs Manhattan's St. Patty's Day parade. It's the most famous St. Patrick's Day parade in the country, because Manhattan's tall buildings and rectilinear layout naturally force everyone to walk in a reasonably straight line no matter what their blood alcohol level. And I had vague memories of past clashes between the New York parade and gay Irish groups who wanted to march. But I'd put them in the back of my mind. It's 2006, it's New York City, they must have cleared that shit up by now, right? Of course not. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"If an Israeli group wants to march in New York, do you allow neo-Nazis into their parade? If African-Americans are marching in Harlem, do they have to let the Ku Klux Klan into their parade? People have rights. If we let the ILGO in, is it the Irish Prostitute Association next?"

The ILGO is the Irish Lesbian and Gay Organization. Now, I've come to the defense of gays and lesbians many, many times in this space. But that was before I learned, thanks to the logical and analogical powers that only a Catholic parade organizer can muster, that the gay and lesbian community is dedicated to the extermination of the Irish people. And I'm sorry, I can't support that. Not even this close to St. Patrick's Day.

I was fine with them when they were just destroying marriage, ruining cowboys, and stealing Rosie O'Donnell from us. But ethnic cleansing? That's just wrong.

What amazes me is that there can even BE an Irish Lesbian and Gay Organization, given Dunleavy's revelation. Gay Republicans, Gay Baptists, and now Gay Irish. It all seems so inherently contradictory.

This, by the way, is the sixteenth year that Irish gay groups have attempted to march, and the sixteenth year they've been rebuffed. You've gotta think that by now, they don't even really want to march. But they can't stop trying, because technically it's bigoted oppression by technically a bunch of fucking meatheads. And you can't let that shit stand.

But at the end of the day, they've got to know that all they're really fighing for is the right to dodge the cold vomit of the thousands of John Dunleavies who've preceded them on the parade route. If there were only a way to back out gracefully, short of exterminating the Irish.

Or the John Dunleavies of the world could stop being such unapologetic reactionary fuckheads. But if they haven't learned anything in sixteen years, I wouldn't wait for them to start now.