Xenu, Teeth, And An Immodest Proposal

« March 2006 »

It's that time again. Time to sweep up the assorted verbal krill that floats in the great ocean of stupidity, providing vital nutrients and content to the daily column. They are idiots, and they say the damndest things.

"There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins. Religious beliefs are sacred to people, and at all times should be respected and honored. As a civil rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices." - Isaac Hayes, on his decision to leave the cast of "South Park".

Now, I presume we all have been paying attention, and know which religious beliefs weren't being respected and honored here. Let's just say you won't see Tom Cruise, John Travolta, or Jenna Elfman saying "Hello, children" any time soon either. But I'd like to thank Isaac Hayes. His bold stand has taught me an important lesson. That before today Isaac Hayes was still part of the cast of South Park.

Still, I suppose if you believe in e-meters and Xenu, you'll believe anything. Like believing you can get away with an excuse so transparent it makes me wonder if all those Bush administration officials really DID want to spend more time with their families before they got caught taking money from Jack Abramoff or shoplifting from Target.

"And the president knows what he needs. I think it's obvious to those on the Hill — and it's got to be obvious to those at the White House — that we're skipping too many beats nowadays. We're not operating at the highest level of political sensitivity that you need." - Senator Norm Coleman.

Norm Coleman is criticizing the Commander-In-Chief! In a time of war! By saying he's not SENSITIVE enough. The man is providing aid and comfort to the enemy! The last guy who said he'd be sensitive was John Kerry, and imagine how badly the war on terror would be going if HE'D been elected?

Hell, Kerry wouldn't have even tried to cheat during the Moussaoui trial, he's so sensitive. And now Coleman wants Bush to be sensitive, too? How dare he bite the hand that feeds him! Especially with those Easter Island heads he calls his teeth.

What's especially funny is that Coleman criticized Bush in about the pussiest, most kissass way possible, and it's STILL easy as pie to make it sound bad.

"VALENTINE'S DAY" - The Howard Center for Family, Religion and Society

That's the subject line of the latest right-wing missive in my inbox from my clueless nemesis, the Howard Center, of "Natural Family Manifesto fame. It's a stirring paean to how great love, and love's apparently inevitable consequence - a lifetime of heterosexual marriage - is. But in some kind of beautiful illustration of just how badly the Howards want to live in the past, the date on their Valentine's Day missive is MARCH 14.

Sometimes I love the Howard Center so much I'd marry them. If only we could get gay marriage legalized, so that the slippery slope would extend to multigender polygamandry with mentally deficient vegetables. Sure, they'd spurn my advances, but deep in their hearts, they'd know what a compliment it was for complete fucking idiots who don't know when Valentine's Day is just to be ASKED.