The Thought That Counts

« March 2006 »

Memo to Hollywood: THANKS, BUT NO THANKS.

Today, we break with tradition. Because today, as it is every year, is my birthday. And tradition dictates that I blow off the column on my birthday, because this space is all about what I hate, and while I hate entropy, a fundamental rule of the universe can't be dumb.

But since my birthday falls on a Friday this year, and Friday is New Movie Day, I thought I'd see what Hollywood is giving me for my birthday. You'd think we'd have a lot in common. We're both supposedly liberal, supposedly elitist, and supposedly anti-religion. But they don't know me at all. Look at what I'm getting.


Great. Wes Craven's been around long enough to have his movies re-made. Thanks, Hollywood. I didn't feel old enough, and now you're shoving out a remake of a movie from a guy I remember as being the hot newcomer Starlog raved about. Just bring me my fucking Rascal scooter and Geritol, why don't you?


I know nothing about this movie. The ads tell me nothing about this movie other than Johnny Depp is in it, and he is The Libertine. From this, I have deduced that I am not the target audience for this movie.

The ads have Johnny Depp, in a poofy shirt and fancy hat. Then they identify him as the titular libertine. If the idea of Johnny Depp dressed in a poofy shirt and a fancy hat, being all libertinesque, gets you wet, hard, or both, then you are the target audience for the movie. The rest of us, however, can fuck right off.


This is the movie that inspired me to write this column. For three weeks, I've been hearing that this shitfest would be released on March 10. Yet another example of why the idiots who decided romantic comedies and wacky hijinks could mix should be strung up by the nutsack and hung upside down for the squirrels to feed on. I blame every last one of you went to see "There's Something About Mary" for this, you know.

Now we can't go three months without a formula picture - one generic male who may have appeared in something reminiscent of but not necessarily Party Of Five, one actress plucked from the pool with the Casting Crane, one Wacky Situation, and a smattering of slapstick and sex jokes. In this case, the guy still lives with his parents! While banging Sarah Jessica Parker! He'll probably learn an important lesson by the end, too. You know, there's a reason, beyond the restraining orders, why Nora Ephron and Tom Green never collaborated.


Wow, Tim Allen in a remake of a remake. Thanks, Hollywood. Why not just jab an awl ento my eye and be done with it? After you've taken the "boy turns into a dog" concept and remade it as "lawyer turns into a dog", the entire creative potential of turning into a dog has dried up. There is no territory left to explore. No need for a remake.

The only thing this has that the Dean Jones 70's version doesn't is a paycheck for Robert Downey Jr. and, I guarantee you, a few crotch-sniffing and poop jokes you couldn't get away with in a G-rated picture in the 70's. And nobody left "The Shaggy D.A." thinking what that movie really needed was more poop jokes and Robert Downey Jr. Nobody left "The Shaggy D.A." thinking anything at all.

So thanks a load, Hollywood. "V For Vendetta" comes out on someone else's birthday. "A Scanner Darkly" comes out on someone else's birthday. My only consolation is that, had I hung on to the womb for two more weeks, I'd be getting "Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector" for my birthday, and then I'd have to take a fucking hostage. So count our collective blessings.