Masochism, Tango

« March 2006 »

Memo to the Tango Parents; I WAS WRONG.

Nothing is more important to those of us in the profanity-filled polemic community than accuracy and accountability. Which is why I have to expose a crack in the wall that is my nigh-infallibility in this space and admit that the Missouri parents who complained about the book "And Tango Makes Three" in the local library are not intarderant.

And, like anyone else accepting full responsibility for his mistake, I blame the media. Specifically, the Associated Press, who in their tiny tiny story about the controversy neglected to mention that the penguins in "And Tango Makes Three" were gay. Very gay. Pretty much as gay as you can get within the bounds of children's literature.

Now, these penguins still weren't screwing. They weren't riding on top of a bus with dozens of yards of chiffon flowing behind them. But the book does mention that they were affectionate and nuzzled each other, that they didn't pay attention to girl penguins, and were looking longingly at an empty nest they built together.

None of which the Associated Press saw fit to mention, of course. Thereby placing me in the awkward position of having to admit that these parents' complaints were, in the strictest definition of the word, logical.

You see, it is in fact perfectly logical for homophobic bigoted rednecks to see this book, think its gentle portrayal of waterfowl family life is an assault on their moral values, and bitch about it to librarians in Missouri, who frankly have enough problems just by nature of them being librarians in Missouri.

So, by extension, these parents who complained are not intarderant. They're just assholes. I may have gotten the species wrong, but I still had the genus pegged.

In other news, just a quick update to yesterday's vital information on how to SAVE YOUR CHILDREN'S LIVES.

After scientists, the biggest danger your children face are... the Teen Titans. Yes, our friends at the PTC are at it again, watching television, determining "violent acts", and counting them in an entirely context-free environment.

And the Teen Titans won! Just in time for them to, um, stop producing new episodes. Maybe they should be called the Parents Television Holy Shit Look At That Horse Go Hold On Let Me Shut This Barn Door Council.

Teen Titans clocked in at 21.7 violent incidents per episode, or about one a minute if you ignore the commercials. At the bottom end of the scale was another Cartoon Network favorite, "Naruto", which clocked in at 0.7 incidents, violent or otherwise, per episode. But I read a spoiler on the Internet that says for May sweeps, one of the ninja is going to move, so set your DVRs.

I just want the list. I want the list of one episode and a copy of the episode. Because I'm not sure, but I'm guessing me and the PTC would disagree on what a "violent incident" is. I mean, this is an organization that's also complaining about insults like "stupid" and "loser", and terms like "butt".

Which is just crazy. I grew up listening to cartoon characters insulting each other, and it didn't turn me into some verbally abusive adult with a penchant for scatology and body parts. It turned me into a WILDLY ENTERTAINING verbally abusive adult with a penchant for HILARIOUS scatology and body parts.