Thinking Of The Children

« March 2006 »

Memo to anyone reading this: YOUR CHILDREN ARE IN DANGER.

Pardon me while I steal a tactic from local news, but it's true. Your children are in grave danger. And if you don't have children, YOU'RE NOT SAFE. Your very sperm and ova are in frightful danger, especially if they ever meet. Especially if they meet in South Dakota.

For example, did you know there are, right now, predators out there looking to take advantage of your child's innocence, their naivete, their wide-eyed sense of wonder? Oh, they may look like normal, educated members of society on the outside, but they're just biding their time until they get your children alone. And that's when they open up their long coats and expose YOUR CHILDREN to the filthy secrets hidden inside.

These predators are called scientists. And they want to teach your children biology. But Ken Ham will save them!

Yes, it's Ken Ham again. The pork product so nice I had to feature him twice. The last time we heard from Ken Ham, he was building the Answers In Creation Museum in Kentucky so that kids wouldn't believe in evolution and shoot their classmates as a result. Charming guy, that Ham.

But either the museum's done, or he's just not content to save any Kentuckians that may wander past. He's now visiting religious elementary schools, conducting little Hitler Youth call and response sessions like the following as quoted by the Hartford Courant. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Who's the only one who's always been there?" "God!" "Who's the only one who knows everything?" "God!" "So who should you always trust, God or the scientists?" "God!"

You know, I'm supposed to believe in the right of parents to raise their children in their own faith, but this level of fervor raises certain concerns. Mainly involving the accurate diagnosis of various neurological disorders. And the chance they'll get passed off as "speaking in tongues".

I would love to follow Ken Ham for a week with a notepad as he travels from town to town, whipping up his tiny followers into consecutive apoplexies. I would say nothing. I would simply make a note of every single time over the course of that week that Ken Ham took advantage of the works of scientists. Did he use a microphone when he spoke? Were the rooms lit? Did he ride a horse from Kentucky to Connecticut, or did he perhaps travel in a flying machine? I would probably need several note pads.

And at the end of the week, Ken Ham would be ordered by the authorities to abandon every example of science he used during that week. And to comply with those orders, Ken Ham would move in with the Amish. And then the Amish would beat his ass every night for being such a dumbass.

"We're going to arm you with Christian Patriot missiles. Get out and change the world!" - Ken Ham.

Jedediah, get the heavy whupping stick. It's going to be a long week.