Lexicographical Monday

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Memo to two idiots in Savannah, Missouri: CONGRATULATIONS.

I don't know who you are, and I don't know what you said, yet in just four truncated paragraphs of a desperately inadequate news story, you've convinced me that you're so stupid I have to actually invent a new word to describe you and your ilk. You are INTARDERANT.

See, I understand intolerance. I don't approve of it*, but I -understand- it. There's something you hate unreasonably, you see it, and you respond negatively, saying stupid shit and boycotting and writing letters and such.

Case in point. Idiots hate gays. They hear that "Brokeback Mountain" won the Best Director Oscar. And they get upset, thinking that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is assaulting their worldview with salvos of gay cowboys being lobbed over their ramparts. So they get upset and cranky even though nobody actually broke into their house, strapped them in a chair, and forced them to endure a DVD screener. That's intolerance.

But at least, in Brokeback Mountain, the cowboys are gay. They have sex with each other, and hug tenderly, and wear chaps. So while the Focus On The Family reaction is regrettable and stupid, it at least follows logically from correct information being fed through a twisted, superstitious worldview.

INTARDERANCE, on the other hand, is what happens when that same twisted worldview is applied to things arbitrarily and inappropriately. Which brings us to the anonymous parents, the public library system of Savannah, Missouri, and the book "And Tango Makes Three". Which was recently moved from the children's section (it being a children's book) to the non-fiction section of the library.

The plot of "And Tango Makes Three" is about a penguin, Tango, who is adopted by two male penguins. And here we see the intarderance kick in. The two penguins are MALE, and they're ADOPTING. Cue concerns about the homosexualization of America and the indoctrination of our youth.

But the penguins aren't having sex. They're not in a committed relationship. They're just a couple of penguins in a book. Based on a couple of actual male penguins who actually took care of an abandoned egg at the Central Park Zoo a few years back. Not gay. Just penguins. Doing what penguins do.

If "And Tango Makes Three" is gay, then "My Two Dads" is gay. Then "Full House" is gay. Then "Three Men And A Baby" is... well, OK. I'll grant you that last one. But still. Men joining forces to take care of abandoned children is not a new theme in the media. It's not advancing the homosexual agenda. The worst you can say about it is that it's usually crap promoting tired old gender roles in the pursuit of wacky hijinks, usually involving pee.

But the penguins get moved so that, in the word of Rolling Hills Consolidated Libraries director Barbara Read (who's heard enough jokes about her name, thank you), patrons won't be "blindsided" by the gay penguins who aren't gay at all.

Because in Missouri, I guess pandering to the intarderant is part of the mission statement.

*And yes, I'm aware that what I espouse here on a daily basis qualifies under the strict dictionary definition of "intolerance". But I reject that kind of ridiculous "you're being intolerant of my intolerance, you're as bad as I am" bullshit out of hand, and you should too.