Sharia, With Extra Cheese

« March 2006 »

Memo to Thomas Monaghan: YOU ARE BUGFUCK, PIZZA MAN.

I mean, I've known for a while that the guy who started Domino's Pizza was a crazy right-wing uberCatholic who funneled dimes to Operation Rescue every time you got an order of wings. So much so that I made sure to not order pizza from Domino's once I learned about it, even though he doesn't run the company anymore.

Well, that and the fact that it tastes like wet cardboard that a tomato wiped its ass with. But still, there was principle involved too.

But now I wish I could get a time machine and some phone routing equipment and retroactively send all my pre-awareness Domino's purchases to Pizza Hut. Because Tommy Monaghan is taking my pizza money, and your pizza money, and the billions in everyone else's pizza money from the 80's and 90's, and building Ave Maria near the Florida Everglades.

Ave Maria is a university. Ave Maria is also the surrounding town. Ave Maria, if Monaghan gets his way, will be a town run entirely on the strict interpretation of the laws of the Roman Catholic Church. And since Monaghan is a billionaire, I'm guessing he's going to get his way.

First of all, and possibly most importantly, Florida is CRAZY ENOUGH. It's already got Jeb Bush and Walt Disney. Does it really need another cult leader exercising dominion over thousands of blindly worshipping subjects?

And make no mistake about it. If this were some fringe group trying to buy the town and impose their religious views - the purple sneaker castration people, or David Koresh, or, you know. Islam - Homeland Security would be there so fast you'd think a hurricane hit two weeks prior.

But Monaghan is rich, and Catholic, and in Florida, so he can control all the real estate deals and make sure nobody provides abortions, the cable doesn't carry any "pornography", and none of the drugstores sell rubbers. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I believe all of history is just one big battle between good and evil. I don't want to be on the sidelines." - And what's worse, I suspect he thinks he's on the "good" side.

According to London's Sunday Times, "Sources close to the project said Monaghan was particularly disturbed by what he regards as the failure of western civilisation to resist Islamic fundamentalism." I trust I don't have to point out the incredibly obvious irony here. We're all grownups. We can all reach blatantly obvious conclusions. We can all simultaneously mutter "that crazy motherfucker" under our breaths.

Upwards of 7,000 people are already looking to move to Ave Maria. Which is the one part of this plan that I like. Because that's seven thousand fewer crazy fucking Catholics in the rest of the country. But in a town without birth control, 7,000 voluntary residents will quickly become 7,000 voluntary residents and 3,500, 7,000, 10,500, 14,000, or, if everyone that moves there are like the Duggars, FIFTY SIX THOUSAND involuntary residents, all forced to live under strict Catholic rule. It'll be like the Vatican, only with bigger bugs and a lot more dirty diapers.

But on the bright side, if your soul isn't saved in 30 minutes or less, it's free.