Memo to Time-Warner Cable: YOU ARE DUMB.
If you go dark for seven hours, I have no Internet. If I have no Internet, I cannot do the painstaking research required for quality comedy. If I cannot do the painstaking research, I cannot create the quality comedy. Given the epic sums I dispense to you on a monthly basis, that should enable you to buy enough hamsters to both power your fiber-optic connections AND handle your tech support.
However, in the scant minutes available to me between the resumption of service and the sleep that is my due, I will give you this - the paradigm for the modern era, delivered by Kentucky Republican senator Jim Bunning on the occasion of the closing of debate on the Patriot Act renewal. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"Civil liberties do not mean much when you are dead."
Jim Bunning is a fucking idiot from a state full of fucking idiots who voted for him, and statements like that should get his ass impeached, recalled, fired, or whatever the consequence is for a lawmaker who lacks the most basic understanding of that country's principles.
Oh, wait. I forgot. That consequence is RE-ELECTION. You may remember Jim Bunning. If you don't, use the search field up there and catch up. He's the former baseball player who, in essence, avoided serious questions of mental deterioration and incompetence in 2004 by calling his opponent a fruity little fag. In essence. Details are in the old columns. Good thing Kentucky sent a man's man who's good at the sports to the Senate so that his slowly rotting brain can spray foetid rhetoric out the front of his face.