Stupid, Not Stirred

« February 2006 »

Hey, wanna hear my rendition of the James Bond theme? DUMB DA DA DUMB DUMB, DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB DA DA DUMB DUMB...

What is it with franchise nerds and boycotts? Every time something happens nerds don't like there's gotta be a call to arms, a crappy website, and some kind of desperate, failed attempt to arrange a boycott to get their voices heard. Well, heard and taken seriously. We hear their voices, but ten times out of ten all that happens is a lot of pointing and laughing.

And who'd have thought there would be BOND NERDS? There's a word pairing that's instantly both oxy- and regular-moronic. A bunch of people bitching on the Interweb about how affronted they are by the way a suave, well-dressed, handsome man who shoots people and fucks pretty women is going to be portrayed. Give me a break.

Specifically: A website devoted entirely to fans upset that some guy named Daniel Craig is going to be playing James Bond in Casino Royale. I can only assume that anybody this worked up over another James Bond movie somehow managed to miss Die Another Day. And boy, are they worked up. And stupid. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

When you heard the casting announcement about Craig as Bond, you might have thought that it was all over, and there was nothing you could do about it. Well you were wrong! The movie business lives and dies on the patronage of its customers, the moviegoing public. And, as the old saying goes, the customer is always right!"

What slim chance these double-0 IQ's had of earning my sympathy got defuckingfenestrated the instant I read that. "The customer is always right" is a shitty aphorism with no relation to the actual physical world, where customers are uniformly people and people are mostly idiots. And if, as the site claims, the "customer" is the "movie-going public", then the customer doesn't actually give a damn, and will go to see the movie if the trailers include the bond theme, an explosion, and a nice set of tits.

So why, exactly, do they object to Daniel Craig? Well, I'll spare you the "photo-visual journey" provided on their website*, and instead provide you with the following bit of wrongheaded rhetorical questioning:

"How can a short, blond actor with the rough face of a professional boxer and a penchant for playing killers, cranks, cads and gigolos pull off the role of a tall, dark, handsome and suave secret agent?"

Who are these Bond fans? They sound for all the world like 48-year-old nerd spinsters with a penchant for writing Remington Steele fanfiction. James Bond is a KILLER. He is a CAD. And yes, he is a bit of a GIGOLO. That's three out of four bits of Craig's curriculum vitae that seem to apply nicely. Sure, some of those evaluations apply a bit more to the Fleming novels than they do to, say, Moonraker, but any Bond fan worth their salt would know that, right?

Two quick additional criticisms of the website. First, and this will only mean something to some of you, but this is the second time in recent memory that I've had to quote from webpages that use hard line breaks at the end of EVERY SINGLE FUCKING LINE. The last guy to do that was a crazy fugitive vampire governor, so you Bond nerds are in fine company.

And second, deliver what you promise. If you say, on a page, that "Below you will read some of the scathing commentary from lifelong fans, as well as some homemade fan art that leaves no doubt where they stand on actor Daniel Craig in the role of Bond.", you create certain expectiations in those of us who scroll down, hoping to gaze in wonder at how this particular Moneypenny Brigade has expressed their sorrow through art. Yet when I scroll down, nothing but pathetic Web quotes. NO PICTURES. No scanned effigies.

I am disappointed, and will have to resort to mocking their stupid logo, which features 007 across the bottom, and an extra line added to the "7" so that it sort of looks like the "N" in "NOT". I'd have expected maybe the famous gun barrel, with Craig's face in the middle, and a sort of blood-drippy circle-slash NO symbol over top of it. But I guess all that time spent painstakingly hitting ENTER every seven fucking words left no time for a coherent visual aesthetic.

I leave you with this last quote, to further drive home both the deep passion exhibited by, and the towering intellect behind it:

"There's no question in the minds of thousands of fans that Daniel Craig might be the worse choice Bond producers have ever made! If you seen more one Bond movie, you understand that he has been portrayed for more than 40 years by actors considered good-looking by a majority of the public."

Looks like someone's acquired a license to kill the English language.

*Which, I shit you not, features a series of morphing animations from each previous Bond to Craig's face, complete with commentary written entirely in bad Italian stereotypical dialect.