Strange Pasturefellows

« February 2006 »

Memo to Jeffrey Haynes: I'M ON YOUR SIDE.

Well, not entirely. When I say "I'm on your side", I don't mean I condone fucking sheep. You Are Dumb Dot Net's position on dipping your wick in the woolly nethers is that we are foursquare against it, no ifs, ands, or baas. To all you impressionable children out there reading this, remember. Winners don't fuck sheep.

Jeffrey Haynes fucked a sheep. In Battle Creek, Michigan, the birthplace of corn flakes. And even given the weird ideas of many of our originators of dried cereal products, are there two things farther apart on the ontological scale than corn flakes and fucking a sheep? I don't think there are. He fucked a sheep, and he got caught, and he got sentenced to between two and a half and twenty years in prison.

And this is all fine and good and the way our system of justice is supposed to work. However, Battle Creek prosecutors and the judge are demanding that he register as a sex offender upon release. The reasoning, according to assistant county prosecutor Tamara Towns, is that he might prey on children or vulnerable adults. Haynes disagrees. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The prosecutor is being real hard on me for what I did. But I should not be treated as a child molester.

Unless there's something in Mark Twain's past that I don't know about, that right there is the single wisest thing ever uttered by a burglar, home invader, and sheepshtupper. And I gotta side with him on this one.

Unless, upon his release, he moves into a farm community, there's no point to putting him on a sex offender list. I'm not exactly a walking DSM IV, but just because you fucked an herbivore doesn't mean you qualify as a sexual predator. We've gotten ourselves worked into such a frenzy over child molestation these days. It's like the shark attacks. Is it something to worry about? Yes. Is there a pedophile around every corner? Not unless you're visiting the Vatican on a slow day.*

The limited information at my disposal tells me that Haynes fucked an adult sheep. Not a lamb. Not even a rack of lamb. Yes, he's a sick freak. But child molesters are a subset of sick freaks. Sheep are not a gateway mammal. But people panic.

It's like with that judge in Vermont, Edward Cashman. I didn't do a column on him at the time, for what reasons I'm not entirely sure. But anyway, Cashman faced huge rallies, massive outrage, political grandstanding, and death threats after he gave a child molester a 60-day prison sentence.

Which sounds awful, if you're too busy panicking and shouting to read past that point to the details. The details being that Cashman gave out the short sentence because in Vermont, child molesters don't get treatment until their sentence is up, and if the guy neglected his treatment, he'd immediately get the maximum sentence imposed. Which seems perfectly reasonable to me. Ten years in a Vermont prison isn't going to make the guy more stable and less of a danger to society.

But reason doesn't enter into it when it's about Protecting Children. Even if we're protecting them from a man who only has eyes for ewe.

*This joke has been duly registered with the Cheap Shot Association of America.