Ain't Gonna Happen

« February 2006 »

Memo to Dubya: YEAH, RIGHT.

I'm not going to bother waiting until a State of the Union transcript is up, picking apart the stupid shit, seeing how far into the speech I can get before there's been enough stupid shit to fill a column. You know why? Because I remember the last four. Bullshit about what we've done, and bullshit about what we're going to do. But to refresh your memory, here's a quick rundown of stuff promised at this point over the past four years, and never delivered on.


"Terrorists who once occupied Afghanistan now occupy cells at Guantanamo Bay. And terrorist leaders who urged followers to sacrifice their lives are running for their own." - Heck, even people who weren't terrorists are still occupying cells at Guantanamo Bay! And the terrorist leaders are running, all right. Running to Al Jazeera with their latest videotape.

"We will work closely with our coalition to deny terrorists and their state sponsors the materials, technology, and expertise to make and deliver weapons of mass destruction." - Let's see. North Korea... BZZT. Iran... TENTATIVE BZZT. Iraq was denied WMD, that's for sure. In much the same way I've been denied a menstrual cramp. I don't have one, and no matter how much I may want one, I simply don't have the means.

"This Congress must act to encourage conservation, promote technology, build infrastructure, and it must act to increase energy production at home so America is less dependent on foreign oil." - Exxon didn't make 30 billion dollars selling Girl Scout cookies.

" Employees who have worked hard and saved all their lives should not have to risk losing everything if their company fails." - Yep, thanks to George W. Bush, giant corporations are being forced to fulfill their pension obligations... oh, fuck this. NEXT.


"The best way to address the deficit and move toward a balanced budget is to encourage economic growth and to show some spending discipline in Washington, D.C. - While this is technically true, it hasn't been what you'd call a blueprint, has it?

"Instead, we must work toward a system in which all Americans have a good insurance policy, choose their own doctors, and seniors and low-income Americans receive the help they need." - Har de fucking har har.

"...the first car driven by a child born today could be powered by hydrogen, and pollution-free." - Exxon didn't make 30 billion dollars selling hydrogen, either.

"Tonight, let us bring to all Americans who struggle with drug addiction this message of hope: The miracle of recovery is possible, and it could be you." - And it could be JAMES FREY!


"The killers will fail, and the Iraqi people will live in freedom." - Killers? Still killing. Iraqis? Having a tough time living at all.

"So tonight I call on team owners, union representatives, coaches, and players to take the lead, to send the right signal, to get tough, and to get rid of steroids now." - Paging Rafael Palmeira...

"America is the land of the second chance, and when the gates of the prison open, the path ahead should lead to a better life." - Scooter Libby doesn't count, fucker.


"To make our economy stronger and more productive, we must make health care more affordable, and give families greater access to good coverage." - Even lowering the goalpoasts from two years ago, I reiterate: HAR DE FUCKING HAR HAR.

"And so we must join together to strengthen and save Social Security." - Not that this failed for lack of trying, of course.

"Taking on gang life will be one part of a broader outreach to at-risk youth, which involves parents and pastors, coaches and community leaders, in programs ranging from literacy to sports. And I am proud that the leader of this nationwide effort will be our First Lady, Laura Bush." - Why wasn't Laura down there giving Tookie his lethal injection? Some anti-gang czar SHE is.

So remember, as you read the stories and watch the coverage today of Dubya's oh-so-important speech, that the state of the Union is... generally full of crap.