Stunted Growth

« January 2006 »

Memo to Andrew Jones: YOU ARE DUMB.

And I do not say this lightly. Despite what a cursory reading of this site by an idiot may lead that idiot to believe, I'm hesitant to call someone a moron just because they don't share my political views. I'm not saying I haven't done it, and I'm not saying I won't do it again. But you, gentle Reader, can sleep soundly knowing that when I do it, I've put some fucking thought into it first.

Because it would be easy to blithely dismiss Andrew Jones as an idiot. He's 24, he's brash, he's conservative, and he loves stunts. Oh, does he love his stunts. He loves stunts the way "cured" homosexuals love cock. He's a smug little son of a bitch, instantly loathworthy, eminently punchable.

You may recall his first famous stunt. The Affirmative Action bake sale. Three years ago, as the president of the UCLA college Republicans, he held a bake sale in which the prices of the cookies were lower for minorities than they were for white males. Made a splash, got his name in the news.

This is your classic, modern, media-savvy conservatism in a nutshell. Take a complicated issue, remove it entirely from its context, simplify it to the point of ridiculousness, then place it in a new, inappropriate context. The result is like a plywood facade from an old Hollywood set. It's not actually a general store. It just looks like one as long as you look at it from only one angle and never check to see if there's more behind it. Sounds just like cable news to me.

So it's been three years, and Jones needs a new stunt. Why? Well, beyond the fact that no whore can live off of one trick indefinitely, Jones really needed to get his name in the spotlight. But we'll get to that in a second. His new stunt is that, as the founder and sole employee of the Bruin Alumni Association, which is not affiliated in any way with the "Bruins" of UCLA or its alumni association, he's offering hundred dollar bounties for tapes and notes of professors indoctrinating their students with the eeeeeevils of liberalism.

Now, we've covered David Horowitz and his crusade to ensure that the only political sentiments espoused in colleges are the God-given conservative ones that make this country great. If you don't remember, you may want to refresh your memory, because it's important in the understanding how big of a dumbfuck asshole Andrew Jones is.

Andrew Jones was fired by David Horowitz.

Seems that after his affirmative action stunt, which occurred, coincidentally, right before Jones would be graduating and entering the job market, he got a job as a researcher with Horowitz, who fired him because he was, in Horowitz's own words, "uncontrollable". And there were allegations he pressured students to make false claims against "liberal" students.

Oops. So now, apparently, he's going to ensure everything's on the level by offering money. People getting paid are, obviously, more honest than people getting nothing. Any Tom, Dick, or Jack Abramoff can tell you that.

When you're too much of an asshole for David Horowitz, that moves you beyond "prolapse" and into "anal singularity" territory. An asshole so dense that not even conservative fraternal spirit can escape. This latest publicity stunt is so deplorable stalwart Republicans on his "advisory board" are resigning because they don't want to be seen near him. I guess there IS such a thing as bad press after all.

Even discussing the merits of Jones' idea gives it, and him, more credit than they collectively deserve. It's one of those things that, like illegal wiretapping, is wrong in every way, right on the face of it. And like so many obviously wrong things these days, it's tailor-made to cause a discussion of the "debate". There is no debate. Colleges trend lefty because they're about learning and low salaries, two things the right avoids whenever possible. And Andrew Jones is turning out to be a third.