What's Worse Than A Vampire Governor?

« January 2006 »

Memo to Princeton, MN: YOU ARE DUMB.

You stupid, stupid fuckers. Do you realize what you're doing to me? It is well-established that I hate wankers. It is well-established that I hate overly dramatic nerds. It is well-established that I hate idiots. But you lot. You lot are so incredibly fucking stupid that you're forcing me to come to the DEFENSE of an overly dramatic, idiotic, wanky nerd.

And worse, you're making me do it just days after I rightfully mocked his sorry, ugly-cloak-wearing, vampire ass. Yes, Princeton, MN is the town where everyone's favorite gubernatorial candidate, Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey, resides. He resides in Princeton with his wife*, Julia Carpenter. Julia Carpenter drives a school bus. Or she did, until Jonathon went and got himself famous as the candidate for the Vampyres, Witches, and Pagans party.

Now she doesn't drive a school bus anymore, and suddenly, the eminently mockable become the persecuted. You stupid, small-town bastards. You irrational, paranoid, bigoted, whitebread, Midwestern ass-burgers. If you keep turning wankers into martyrs, you'll JUST MAKE MORE WANKERS.

So who, in Princeton, is to blame? Let's start with the citizenry, those unnamed residents who complained to the school district that hires the bus company that Carpenter works for. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Julia Carpenter is guilty of two things. Poor taste in men and poor taste in religion. And if that can get you fired from your job, then someone needs to hand Laura Bush her pink slip.

She wasn't going to cast a spell on your children. She was just going to do what she'd been doing, which is to ferry your tainted progeny from home to school. And since they're not going to learn anything at either of those places, what makes you think they could learn something harmful during the trip?

How about their neighbors, who want the pair evicted, according to Carpenter? Yes, Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey is a loon who gets off on blood and d20's. So? You don't have to invite them to your barbecue. I'm sure they'd want to go as much as you'd want them there. Sharkey probably likes his burgers rarer than the USDA would approve anyway. That doesn't mean you have the right to hassle them.

And finally, Superintendent Mike Sleeper, amusingly named after a Woody Allen movie, a wrestling hold, or his last electroencephalogram, depending on your preference. Sleeper is the one who wrote the letter that said Carpenter couldn't "...serve as a role model nor is suitable to perform transportation services... in light of recent media reports of her husband/friend to be a vampire who is running for public office and Miss Carpenter informing other bus garage employees that she is a witch."

Okay. I've been out of elementary school for so long I've forgotten what crayons taste like. But I still know one thing holds true. Bus drivers are not, nor have they ever been, ROLE MODELS. Bus drivers are what they say you're going to school to avoid ending up as. Yes, she married a douchebag. If that's grounds for dismissal, then Mrs. Sleeper, if she exists, better have some savings to fall back on.

And that last bit? If she told her co-workers she was a witch, I can lay odds exactly how it went down. Once the Sharkey For Governor story got legs, I'm guessing that it was the co-workers who started any conversations, asked any questions, made inquiries as to Carpenter's freak of a husband and their non-traditional religion. Because co-workers never just let that shit slide. So now they know she's a witch. How does that morsel of information adversely affect Carpenter's ability to turn a yard-wide steering wheel? It doesn't. Sleeper's case is a giant steaming pile of crap, and I anxiously await the day I get to hear about the Princeton school district's already-overdue legal bitchslapping.

And I will never, EVER forgive any of you sons of bitches for putting me on the same side as a guy who calls himself THE IMPALER.

*I think. News reports vary on whether they are married, or just long-term shackups. We'll use spousal terminology for column purposes because it's easier.