Drastic Times, Drastic Measures

« January 2006 »

For the most part, I had retired this feature, having said everything on the subject I thought was necessary. But events conspire to make a fool of us all, and thus, I must issue the following memo to politically active Satanists: BE A BETTER NERD.

I normally don't go after the obviously mentally unstable in these pages - let's face it. When the daily newspaper thinks you're worthy of mockery, you're a little bit beneath my notice. But for Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey, who today formally announces his candidacy for governor of Minnesota representing the Vampyres, Witches, and Pagans party, I am duty-bound to make an exception.

You know how you can spot a fucking wanker from a mile off? Gratuitous "y"'s. If they spell it vampYre, magYc, magYK, or some other "creative" varyatyon thereof, they're a fucking wanker. Jonathon is a fucking wanker.

Jonathon is also a Satanist. And worse, he's one of those TALKING Satanists. The kind that feels the constant need to explain his religion to the common masses who misunderstand and misconstrue his worship of Lucifer. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I despise and hate the Christian God the Father. He is my mortal enemy. However, it doesn't mean that I hate all his followers... It is a common misconception that Satanic people are evil. This is a gross misunderstanding. On a whole those who worship Lucifer, are no more evil than those who worship other Gods. The name Satan is truly nothing more than a title, given to Lucifer centuries ago."

This, by the way, is the point in the conversation where you start considering intentionally pissing your pants just to give yourself an excuse to get away from the guy in the cloak.

He's also a blood-drinking vampire, a Star Wars fan, a veteran, a Rocky fan, and had stints as a boxer and wrestler. He claims former friendship with both Dubya and Jeb Bush, because, you know. Frat boys and self-proclaimed vampires hang out ALL THE TIME.

So we've established that Jonathon, the wrestling, boxing Satanist vampire who co-owns two covens and practices witchcraft, is a nerd attention-whore the likes of which the world has never seen. And on top of that, he's running for governor on a platform of... impaling terrorists.

"Any one found committing an act of terrorism in Minnesota will be IMPALED by me at the State Capital. If the US DOJ wants to prosecute me for it, then I will take my chances in Court, for I do not believe an American Jury will convict me of brutally killing a terrorist!"

This, by the way, answers the burning question "from whence does Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey derive his colorful nickname?" Turns out it's from his strong belief in impaling. A belief so strong he's willing to face criminal charges when, in the first two years after he's elected, someone commits an act of terrorism in Minnesota and gets caught alive. That's leadership.

Oh, did I say two years? I did. Because he's also running for PRESIDENT in 2008. Contrary to what you might expect, the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party does not have that deep a candidate pool to draw from. But it's OK, Minnesotans. Jonathon assures us that "During my first 2-years as your governor, I will work harder for you than most governors do in 8-years. My goal to become president can be achieved in part, by just how well I serve Minnesota during my first 2-years."

Apparently, vampires love gratuitous hyphens almost as much as they love O-positive. Although I have to say, if it came down to him or Hillary, I might have to vote for the utter wanker.