All The Parts Of The Horse

« January 2006 »

The human mouth. When used as an input device, we can enjoy a rich array of foods and beverages. But used as an output device, it's capable of disgusting, horrible things. Things that should be damned more than anything else should be damned. Why, you might say they're the... DAMNEDEST THINGS.

"What is wrong with teaching intelligent design in our schools? This is not a question about faith or religion. It’s about self-evident truth.” - Kentucky governor Ernie Fletcher, in his State of the Commonwealth message.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have seen the state of the Commonwealth of Kentucky, and I am here to report to you today that it is RUN BY A RETARD. The very idea of a "self-evident truth" flies in the face of science. Self-evident truths are matters of philosophy. Of faith. And yes, of religion. There ARE no self-evident truths in science. There's what's proven to work, stuff we don't know about yet, and bullshit. And we all know by know which category Governor Ernie's self-evident truth falls under, don't we?

This is why we'll only get anywhere by fighting ID in the courts, by the way. Because with idiots like Fletcher in the legislative and executive branches, there's only one option left. You're a hell of a lot more likely to get a sympathetic judge than you are to get Americans to stop voting for fuckwits.

"I've got to think it's UFOs. That's the only thing logical. I think anything's possible, because we don't know if we're the only life in the universe." - Ted Hasenbalg, Colorado rancher, who experienced a cattle mutilation in 1994, and was quoted because of some recent horse mutilations ascribed by locals to aliens.

Notice the arguments for UFOs ripping off horse lips are the exact same argument for Intelligent Design. We don't know who it was; therefore aliens, or the creator who of course is not necessarily the Christian God Of The Bible Because That Would Be Unconstitutional, must have done it.

But if you went around proposing that aliens created life on Earth, and God likes ripping off horse's lips just to fuck with Colorado ranchers, that'd be your last margarita at THAT Chili's for a long time.

"We know that 22 Senators—including 5 on this Committee—voted against Chief Justice Roberts just a few months ago. We therefore know that you do not exactly come here today on a level playing field. I am reluctantly inclined to the view that you and any other nominee of this President for the Supreme Court start with no more than 13 votes in this Committee, and only 78 votes in the full Senate, with a solid, immovable, and unpersuadable block of at least 22 votes against you, no matter what you say, no matter what you do. That is unfortunate for you, but even worse for the Senate and its reputation as the world’s greatest deliberative body." - Senator John Cornyn, R-Tex, being an asshole as per usual.

This, of course, is from the Alito hearings. John Cornyn, who you may recall is the douchebag who suggested all those judges getting shot was due to them being so activist, was berating 22 senators for having made up their mind about Sam Alito.

Because, you know, John Cornyn hasn't made up his fucking mind about Sam Alito. John Cornyn's thinking it over. The entire time he's up there, heaping effusive praise for his conservative buddy, he's wondering whether or not he's going to vote "yes". This right-wing fuckhead is deliberating. He's part of the World's Greatest Deliberative Body, after all.

And frankly, world's greatest deliberative body MY SWEET CYNICAL ASS. Maybe once, but no more. There oughta be a deliberate-off. The Senate should have to defend its title annually if they want to keep calling themself that. But they don't, and you know why? Because they're afraid of coming in last behind Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul, that's why.