Belated Evil Playthings

« January 2006 »

Memo to toy activists: YOU ARE LATE.

And I am disappointed. Every year, I look forward to the Lion and Lamb Project's "Dirty Dozen", a list of violent, inappropriate toys for children. Since there's twelve toys, it takes a village to get them all, so I like to do my part.

But despite my usual newshoundery, I never saw any of the stories that accompany the annual list. And looking at their website, I find they didn't do one LAST eyar, either! What had happened to the busybodies of the toy aisle? Who would warn me against the corrupting influence of graven plastic images? Who would I laugh at?

It turns out, like the rest of you, the busybodies took the holidays off. But once the New Year had been rung in, they were able to once again turn our attention to sinister manufacturing defects and sinful agenda promotion in the land of Geoffrey the Giraffe.

In Dallas, which longtime readers will recognize as the Motherfucking Capital of Dear Sweet Lord Get Me The Hell Out Of Texas, a pair of fine, upstanding citizen Angela Bolls has alerted us to the secret murderous longings that lurk beneath the blood-red fur of world-famous muppet Elmo.

Bolls purchased the book, "Potty Time With Elmo", for her sixteen-month old daughter. "Potty Time With Elmo" is one of those books with the cheap electronic thing on the side. You know, the ones where you press the buttons, and a low-quality sound sample plays from a shitty speaker? Anyway, they pushed the picture of Elmo, and heard the sickening phrase "WHO WANTS TO DIE?"

"It's a sick joke. If it's a joke then it's a bad one, you know? And it's not necessary. It's inappropriate." - Now, I don't think anyone would argue with Bolls that such a joke would be unnecessary. Any sound-playing book about Elmo dropping his red, furry friends off at the lake fits the "unnecessary" definition all by itself.

But what are we to say about Dallas Local 6's journalistic claim that what the book says, and what the book is supposed to say, are "completely different"? What the book is supposed to say is "WHO WANTS TO TRY AND GO POTTY?"

That's not completely different. That is what mathematicians refer to as THE FIRST FUCKING HALF, YOU TEXAS MORON. Take "who wants to try". Now put that through Elmo's high-pitched, speech-impeded vocal stylings. Now put THAT through a piezoelectric speaker in a five dollar book from a Target endcap. I bet what comes out would sound a hell of a lot like what the Bolls heard. I'd listen to it myself, but the Dallas TV station that's supposed to be hosting the video refuses to deliver.

In other malicious toy news, Barbie, through her corporate parent Mattel, wants children to grow up transgendered.

And, according to the Concerned Women of America, they're doing it through a plan so insidious, so evil, and so utterly genius, that only a bunch of conservative, tight-lipped Christian activists could have exposed it. You see, in an online survey, Mattel asked children, age 4-8, to provide their gender, and gave as options "I am a Boy", "I am a Girl", and "I don't know".

Mattel claims the third option was meant to be an "I don't want to say" option, but the CWA knows better, dammit. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"It's the idea that well, maybe people aren't born a particular biological sex - or they are, and that shouldn't determine their gender identity. And that's a very big component of the homosexual activist agenda now. - Robert Knight, director of the Culture and Family Institute of Concerned Women for America.

And when it comes to gender confusion, if you can't trust a man at Concerned Women For America, who can you trust?