Let's Go Out To The Lobby

« January 2006 »

Memo to Optimists: YOU MAY HAVE SOMETHING.

Maybe. A little. See, I don't really want to join the chorus line of leftists doing a rousing jig, and perhaps a chant of "na na na na hey hey hey goodbye" at Jack Abramoff. Or rather, I want to, but I can't.

The cynic in me won't let me, you see. Sure, it sounds great on the surface. Abramoff pleads guilty, goes to jail for ten years, and turns in all the crooked politicians (mostly with R's next to their names) to the feds, and dozens of crooked fucks go down in thick, black greasy flames over the next year. Perhaps some vital reforms are passed in the wake of the scandal, as a disgusted public finally realizes it needs to do something about the huge fucking cesspool Abramoff's been floating atop for the past decade.

The cynic in me knows that, as bad as Abramoff is, he's the cough, not the cancer. He's the inevitable result of the system, and while he may have stepped over the line, he pushed the line so far off true before he crossed it that only an informed, interested American public, setting aside spoon-fed spin and partisan cheerleading, can even begin hauling it back. And we all know how long it's been since we had one of THOSE.

And that's assuming the whole thing is legitimate, that Abramoff isn't going to get much less than the maximum ten years in prison, that he isn't going to spend those years in relative minimum security luxury, and not have a cushy job waiting for him when he's done, like most convicted felons. That's assuming he really is turning in all his corrupt buddies, and they all get busted. Even if all that were the case, and it probably isn't, we all know any "cleanup" of Washington from this is like taking a hanky to the Exxon Valdez.

But something gives me a tiny flickering of hope, and in direct violation of this site's mandate, I'm going to share that hope with all of you.

Goddamn. The man is a wealthy lobbyist. And he didn't even bother to go down to the Men's Wearhouse and pick out a "pleading guilty" outfit that didn't make him look like a fat Nazi? Those clothes make a statement, and that statement is "Man, am I fucking evil. Seriously. Look at this hat. That is the hat of an evil man. Now get out of my way before I crush you with my evil ham-fist. I don't mean it's blatant. I mean it's ACTUALLY A FIST OF HAM."

And if he's not bothering to hide his true demonic form, maybe he's serious about cooperating with the prosecutors. It's a small thread to cling to, but in these trying times, we take what we can get.