Peace On Straight Earth, Good Will Toward Straight Men II

« December 2005 »

Memo to right-wing homophobes: YOU ARE PUSSIES.

Man, you people are scared of everything. You're scared of terrorists lurking in your hedges, you're scared of the liberal media, you're scared of the word "holiday", and you're absolutely terrified of gay cowboys.

You'd think Ang Lee would have scared you all a couple of years ago, with his movie about a half-naked muscle man who beats the shit out of America's armed forces while wearing purple shorts. But Brokeback Mountain has fucked these dudes up. And it's only got like a minute of man on man action in it, too. Sure, that's a minute more than Philadelphia had, but still. It's all just longing looks, sunsets, and horses for the most part. I mean, Deadwood devotes more time to the WORD cocksucker than Brokeback Mountain devotes to... anyway.

Still, all that inability to quit sure got Gary DeMar hot and bothered. In addition to having what sounds for all the world like a bad drag name, Gary DeMar writes for WorldNetDaily. If you don't know WorldNet Daily, it's like The Drudge Report without the evenhandedness. It's like Fox News without the attention to detail. It's two tinfoil hats short of a complete set, is what I'm saying.

DeMar posits that Brokeback Mountain is the latest salvo in Hollywood's left-wing propaganda war to make the filthy queer lifestyle choice seem normal, natural, and safe. Plus, it's a Western.

The Western thing really bugs them, I think. But that's not Hollywood's fault. Actually, that IS Hollywood's fault, because for the better part of 60 years, Hollywood has been providing the red-blooded Murrican types with a two-fisted romanticized version of the Old West, where the cowboys were noble, the Indians were savage, and a guy named Marion was called John. But just because your romanticized west was devoid of ACTUAL ROMANCE doesn't mean that Brokeback Mountain is out to threaten your straight hegemony. That's just a nice side effect. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"It's not that most of Hollywood is made up of homosexuals, although there is a disproportionate number in the entertainment field. Divorce, multiple remarriages, children out of wedlock, drugs, alcohol addiction, sexual exploitation, and just plain bad behavior are common features of the Hollywood in-crowd. If the worst of sexual behavior – homosexuality – can be tolerated and even accepted by the general public, then these other behaviors won't seem bad any more."

Oh, where to begin? First, I love the "just plain bad behavior" bit. If all the drug abuse and sexual exploitation isn't bad enough, those Hollywood bastards are... bad tippers? Really lousy at getting four propositions passed by the California electorate? The possibilities are tantalizing.

And homosexuality is THE WORST SEXUAL BEHAVIOR? We all know that's not true. In a world where man fucks pig, man fucks cow, and horse fucks man? In a world where thousands of rapes occur every year? Hell, any given week's Savage Love column lists at least one behavior worse than homosexuality. Guy DeMar needs to get out more.

"At the same time, these same moral misfits are defining their own brand of moral deviancy up. What was considered morally normal 30 years ago – two-parents of the opposite sex married and living together, participation in the Boy Scouts and being protected from homosexual predators, rejecting a pro-death culture, and stay-at-home moms – is now portrayed as oppressive and shot through with pathologies."OK, I'll grant him one of those. If there's one theme that I've seen hit upon in movies for the past ten years, it's that homosexual predation on young boys is natural and good. You see it again and again - Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, March of the Penguins, Catwoman, Super-Size Me... sure, none of those movies had small children in them, but it's all in the subtext. For fuck's sake, this year alone we've had three different movies about Extreme Parenting. I did a column about it. Look at all the happy families out there! The Spy Kids, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, the Weasleys...

But that's always the way. One gay kiss can wipe out a thousand Herbies Riding Again in the minds of the culture warriors. I wish it were true. I mean, I'm straight, and I'd kiss a dude if it meant Cheaper By The Dozen 2 never made it into theaters.

Which is why it's so interesting that Christianity Today's website reviewed Brokeback Mountain and gave it three stars. I'm guessing it has something to do with how their reviewing technique varied wildly from DeMar and his ilk's - they SAW THE MOVIE. Being remotely positive about two dudes kissing did open up the e-mail floodgates, though.

"The film is gay propaganda. It promotes adultery and a sinful lifestyle making it worthwhile for their mutual pleasure. Movies like this should be labeled by the filmmaker with a disclaimer of not endorsing these activities. You should not do any less in your movie review." - Here's a tip for Joseph DiPoala Sr., M.D. If you're a DOCTOR, yet you're not smart enough to figure out that disapproves of hot gay cowboy sex, then I hope to hell I never get sick when you're on call.

"Yes, you should review it, but it shouldn't warrant anything close to 3 stars, because its content is despicable,and is a clear, ideologically inspired attempt to drag the culture down even further. CT readers want a different perspective." - Jim Overholt, getting the premise of movie reviews backwards. It's people who HAVE seen the movie telling people who HAVEN'T seen it what they think of it, not the other way around, dipshit.

"So, sodomites write reviews for you now? I had heard that cT (small case intended) had become a notoriously banal depiction of christian writing (small case intended). Your review probably broke the camel's back for many... Cowboys know how to chase women, and perverts need no encouragement. May God have mercy on you." - Man, that's harsh. Especially the Intentional Lack Of Capitalization technique. If that's how Chuck Hinson feels about the review, I'd love to see what would happen if he were forced to actually watch it, all Clockwork Orange style.

"You most definitely should NOT review movies about homosexuality. The Bible clearly states that we should not even mention what sinners do." - Michael Spencer. Um, if you're not supposed to talk about what sinners do, how will people know not to do it? I mean, besides the fact that all anyone seems to WANT to talk about is what sinners do, actually being prohibited from it strikes me as the kind of logistical problem a kind, omniscient God would not foist upon His people. But that's just me.

Remember, kids. Every time two cowboys kiss, Jesus wipes away tears of blood with the American flag.