Revisiting Past Glory

« December 2005 »

It's always good to reflect. To look back on the past, and see if it holds any lessons for the future. Plus, it's a great way to pull a column out of your ass without actually looking like you're pulling a column out of your ass.

There's something I thought you all might like to know. Kenneth Pinyan.

Oh, wait. Let me try that again. KENNETH PINYAN

The most famous ruptured colon in human history now has an identifiable owner. It's actually a fairly disappointing comedy name - it's a bit funny sounding, but it's not jokable, the way, say, Equus Q. Rectum would be. Anyway, the poor Pinyan family has James Michael Tait to thank for their dead relative's outing.

Tait, you see, is the 53-year-old truck driver who went to the farm WITH Pinyan, video camera in hand, ready to capture on film what was intended to be a simple, if you'll pardon the expression, roll in the hay. And the rest is comedy history. Although I will say this about Tait, the man is a pioneer in the deflating of stereotypes. I mean, if you were to go through a police lineup and pick out the man most likely to be videotaping his friend getting fucked to death by a horse, I guarantee none of you would pick out the 53-year-old truck driver.

Thank you, James Michael Tait. You are the Rosa Parks of filmed bestiality.

The problem with this column spanning multiple years is that there are certain annual events which, having tackled once, I'm loath to tackle again because I used up all the good jokes the first time around. A little less than a year ago, for example, I took aim at holiday fundamentalists. I'm proud to say that, in a stunning affirmation of my belief that this column is to entertain, and not to make the world a better place, nothing has changed.

Assholes are still threatening boycotts and bitching every time someone says "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas", and everything I said last December 17 still applies, with an extra helping of FUCK YOU sprinkled over the top.

There is one bit of semantic logic I'd like to follow, though. It is demonstrably true that "Merry Christmas" is a subset of "Happy Holidays". "Merry" is a synonym for, or possibly a specific way of, being happy. And Christmas is indubitably a holiday. I don't think even James Dobson would dispute that.

Ergo, when a cashier tells you "Happy Holidays", you are perfectly within your rights to interpret that as "Merry Christmas". It is in fact the definitive logical extension of the situation. You can have a merry Christmas, and fulfill completely the conditions of the cashier's wish. It's a win-win situation. There is absolutely nothing you could possibly get upset about. UNLESS.

Unless for some reason, you resent being part of whatever superset Happy Holidays entails. Unless you feel the need to be separated from any other person for whom the Happy Holidays wish might apply. And who are they?

Well, Hanukkah is a holiday, celebrated by Jews. Happens between Thanksgiving and New Years. Following this logic, anyone complaining about "Happy Holidays" must not want to be connected in any way with Judaism. Which means you're all a bunch of anti-Semites. Sorry, that's where the logic goes. Everyone who writes a letter to the editor complaining about not hearing the word Christmas HATES THE JEWS.

Oh, wait! Kwanzaa is also a holiday, and also occurs between Thanksgiving and New Years, and is celebrated by those with some form of African heritage. So if they don't want to be lumped in with the Jews, and they don't want to be lumped in with African-Americans, then every time you hear a lament from someone annoyed with "Holidays", just remember that they're also a huge racist. They want separate but equal greetings! I guess the Ghost of Thurmond Past visited them in the night or something.

There's also the solstice, but since fundies don't even bother to pretend they don't hate Wiccans, we'll take it as read.