Never Meanin' No Harm

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Memo to Randy "Duke" Cunningham: YOU ARE DUMB.

You're not supposed to revel in another man's misfortune? SAYS WHO? Not You Are Dumb Dot Net, that's for damn sure. Randy Cunningham is no longer a congressman. He pled guilty to taking two million, four hundred thousand dollars in bribes from a military contractor.

Two and a half million bucks. That's a lot of bucks. That's like, two briefcases full of unmarked bills slipped under a desk. That's the kind of money that really warrants a high speed chase, a shootout, or a leap from one building to another. But we didn't get that, more's the pity. All we got was fingerprinting, released on recognizance, and a teary apology speech.

Now, that last is something I can work with. So I present to you a very special ACTUAL QUOTE DAY, featuring my own painstakingly hand-transcribed copy of Cunningham's speech.

"When I announced several months ago that I would not seek re-election, I publicly declared my innocence because I was not strong enough to face the truth."

BULLSHIT. You smarmy motherfucker. First sentence of your teary apology, and you're already lying to save face. Nobody proclaims their innocence because they're "not strong enough to face the truth". They do it because they think they can get away with it. You thought you could get away with it. Just like Clinton thought he could get away with it. At most, you did it to postpone the inevitable.

"So I misled my family, friends, staff, colleagues, the public, and even myself."

I'm guessing that up to three of those are lies. The last for sure, of course. And I bet there was a certain amount of careful gloating over the occasional power lunch, too. And if his wife didn't bother to wonder where an extra two and a half million bucks came from, well, I don't think "misleading" is the best verb for the situation.

"For all of this I am deeply sorry. The truth is I broke the law, concealed my conduct and disgraced my office. I know that I will forfeit my reputation, my worldly possessions -- most importantly [choke] the trust [sob] of my friends and family [whimper]."

I feel it's important to indicate where he gets all teary. First, because it's really fuckin' funny, and second, because even if his emotional outburst is genuine, and not a ploy for sympathy, FUCK HIM. You don't take two and a half million dollars in a moment of weakness. In a lapse of judgment. You take two and a half million in bribes because you're a corrupt son of a bitch.

"Some time ago I asked lawyers to inform US Attorney Carol Lam that I would plead guilty, and begin serving a prison term. Today is the cumlination* of that process. [Very, very sad now] I will continue to cooperate with the government's ongoing investigation to the best of my ability."

To the best of his ability to save his own ass from a few extra years in the minimum security wing of our fine federal prison system, that is.

"In my life, I have had great joy, and great sorrow. And now I know great shame."

And now -I- know GREAT TV.

"I learned in Vietnam that the true measure of a man is how he responds to adversity. I can't undo what I have done, but I can atone. And now, [does the pinch-nose eye-wipey man-cry thing] I'm almost 65 years old and I enter the twilight of my life. I intend to use the remaining time that God grants me to make amends, and I will."

It's frequently said in the media that Randy "Duke" Cunningham was the inspiration for the movie "Top Gun". I hope the judge takes that into consideration, and tacks another couple of years on his sentence. Oh, and it's so very time to break out the very-low bitrate MP3 file of the world's tiniest violin playing the song of ultimate sadness for poor Randy Cunningham, who's old, and a veteran, and whose life is ruined now. And all over a measly couple of million in really obvious bribes.

"The first step in that journey is to admit fault and apologize, and I do apologize. The next step is to face the consequences of my action like a man, today I have taken a first step, and with God's grace, I will take the second.

I am not, by nature, a huge fan of "haw haw you're gonna get raped in prison" jokes, but damned if Cunningham didn't tee up one hell of a straight line for one right there.God bless you.

And fuck you, you ratty-ass weasel whore. Fuck you and the defense contractor's dick you rode in on.

*This is what he said. I know what he meant, but this is what he said. I take transcription very seriously, especially when the pronunciation mistakes sound filthy.