A Brief Moment Of Misguided Optimism

« November 2005 »

Memo to yesterday's losers: IT'S GLOATING TIME!

As a frequent reader of what is colloquially called "the news", I rarely see any that actually lightens my spirits. In a positive, life-affirming way, I mean. My spirits also get lightened whenever someone dies getting fucked by a horse, but that doesn't make the world a better place.

Yesteday, though, the good news kept coming. Because bastards kept losing. And while I'm not convinced we've collectively gotten smarter in the last year, gloating at the expense of bastards is always fun.

Most importantly, I'd like to send a hearty laugh, a flip of the finger, and a copy of The Origin Of The Species autographed by Richard Dawkins to each of the Dover, PA school board members who lost their jobs in Tuesday's election.


Eight of the nine board members. The only eight up for re-election. Eight Republicans. Eight monkey-haters. Eight right out on their asses. Come on. Laugh with me. You know you want to. Laugh at the ousted creationists, who all got replaced by pro-evolution Democrats.

Now, let's face it. The people of Dover did not suddenly realize the value of science. They just got pissed off at the media circus, the trial, and the mess, and voted out the people responsible. But that's an important lesson. People hate to be inconvenienced. So with luck, everyone who's been busy in Pennsylvania for the past two months can head over to Kansas and straighten THOSE fuckers out. Again.

Similarly, I'm not going to be so deluded as to believe that Californians really believe, all of a sudden, in reproductive freedoms, union rights, no gerrymandering, and tenure. No, what we're looking at here is an entire state full of people waking up, looking across the bed, and realizing who they took to bed in 2003. And then he wanted them to make him some fucking waffles. The election wasn't about whether waffles are tasty. It was about the asshole who was demanding them at eight in the morning. And I'm fine with that.

I'm even fine with Tim Kaine winning in Virginia, even though he's one of those "centrist" DLC puppets who made sure everyone knew how much he loved Jesus. Mostly because Chimperoonie stopped by in an eleventh hour bid to put Jerry Kilgore (who, judging from his campaign ads, is a complete ratbastard) over the top. And just ended up burying him deeper. Now that's comedy.

But at the end of the day, it's the complete humiliation of a Democrat that makes my heart soar this week. Randy Kelly, mayor of St. Paul, lost to another Democrat, Chris Coleman, by thirty eight, COUNT 'EM, 38 percent. Why? Because last year, Randy Kelly endorsed George W. Bush for president.

There's been a lot of whiny talk about "ideological purity tests", but it's not like the city hasn't seen this shit before. Their LAST mayor, Norm Coleman, ended up jumping parties and drinking the Kool-Aid, becoming the administration's go-to guy whenever they need the United Nations bashed. So when Kelly endorsed Bush, people were not happy. And oh, did they show it.

So congratulations, America. You're still really fucking dumb. But whether you knew it or not, whether it was for the right reasons or not, you actually got a few things right for a change. And nobody's as surprised as I am.

Well, except for Dubya.