Circle, Meet Jerks

« November 2005 »

Memo to the Diana Circle: YOU ARE DUMB.

But that doesn't mean true, princessy love is beyond your grasp. I have an idea, but you'll have to wade through a bunch of mockery of your life's work to get to it. But isn't enduring great hardship for the common good the kind of thing you like to pretend your idol stood for?

You see, the Diana Circle is a small organization of completely bugfuck Princess Diana fan-nerds. It's precisely the kind of thing you knew had to exist somewhere, but like plushies, your brain tries to block them out so you don't learn the horrific details.

But here at You Are Dumb Dot Net, your willful, sanity-preserving ignorance will not be tolerated. In pursuit of that goal, I found the homepage of their US chapter. And though the 1996-era design, complete with tiled background, giant centered text, and awkwardly-positioned, oversized pictures did melt my face like Toht looking at the contents of the Ark, I managed to return with their mission statement. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Our mission is to uphold and defend Diana's memory and reputation. To campaign tirelessly for a fitting memorial in her name. To support our partners in other parts of the world in the quest to do what is right for a woman who did so much good for others."

The Diana Circle first made headlines during the wedding of Charles and Camilla, which they protested. Interviewed at the time, Circle member Laurien Lewis made the astonishing statement that " If she were still with us today, she would have been very moved." I think we can all see the flaw in that logic.

Anyway, the Circle continues to treat Camilla as if she were the Mike to Diana's Joel, the Doggett to Diana's Mulder, the world's first royal Dick Sargent. Which brings us to current events, and Charles & Camilla's visit to the US, and the actual protests of the actual visit by actual Diana Circle US members, which in turn leads to this ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"This is Diana country. We love Diana still. They're not welcome here. To look at the both of them is to remember what they did to Diana." - Lisa Stewart, 35-year-old Tampa homemaker, who apparently fancies herself the British Royalty Consultant for the Arizona Minutemen.

You know, even under the Patriot Act, I'm pretty sure that cheating on your wife, then waiting almost a decade after your wife's death to marry your mistress, is not grounds for deportation from America. It's not like Camilla wrote "Peace Train" or anything.<?p>

But I promised the Circle true love, and I will deliver. Because here, in this very country, is a group of desperate men, equally devoted to pointless protests for a retarded cause. The Protest Warriors. If we can get the Protest Warriors and the Circle of Diana hooked up, not only will both groups have less free time on their hands, but their eventual offspring will be so simultaneously obsessive and ineffective that they'll be mistaken for ugly footrests and given to Goodwill.

It's a fairy-tale happy ending, really.