Arranged In Decreasing Scariness Order

« October 2005 »

Twitching. Subject. Simian. Viernes.

Harriet Miers is out. And in the aftermath, it's important to not be stupid. Ergo, people are being stupid.

First, this does not mean we will get stuck with someone more conservative. The religious right may or may not have believed some of the secret signals the Bush administration sent to assure them of her future rulings, but I sure as fuck did. She's a member of an ultraconservative, antichoice, antigay church. And she was going to do Bush's bidding, period, end of story. Any hopes she was going to be some kind of stealth moderate are the worst kind of inane wishful thinking.

The right did you all a favor by hating Harriet so that you didn't have to. Because you wouldn't have hated her enough, because she wasn't wandering around with an Ann Coulter book in one hand, and a half-eaten toddler in the other. Even Priscilla Owen has a greater chance of having a change of heart before she dies than ol' "best governor ever" would have.

Second. This is NOT part of an elaborate, deliberate plan to fake out the left. I swear to god, if the left spent as much time coming up with schemes of its own, rather than trying to divine and invent Karl Rove's pudgy cloven hand in everything from the Supreme Court to the low Serenity box office, we'd be in a lot better shape. Yes, they are good. Yes, their schemes frequently pay off. No, they are not subtle. And most importantly, it is so utterly alien to their psychological profile to win via appearing to lose that I can't believe people would even consider it.

We won one. Mostly because all that was asked of us was to sit back and watch. Odds are this strategy will not work for the next nominee, who we may even know by the time you read this. But we won one nevertheless.

Michael Brown still works for FEMA. Just thought you should know that. He got his contract extended for a second month after he resigned. Still making over $12,000 a month pretending to figure out what went wrong. For some reason, Michael Brown has been unable to locate the primary cause of FEMA's failure, despite being provided with both hands, a map, and a flashlight. He just needs more time. You know, like he needed to go out to dinner during the height of the disaster.

Anne Rice is a Jesus-freak now. She either had a revival of Catholicism after a near-death experience, like the papers say, or she realized that if those fuckers read "Left Behind", they'll read ANYTHING. That's my pet theory.

Monday is Halloween. Which means it's time for all the classic Halloween traditions. Tiny individually wrapped candy bars. Parental panic over doctored treats. The unnatural distribution of toilet paper. Oh, and some religious dork claiming it's all glorifying the occult and should be stopped.

This year, it's the Bishop of Bolton. The actual Bishop of actual Bolton in actual England. This isn't some new nickname for Michael Bolton or something. Anyway, the Right Reverend David Gillett thinks that Halloween should be replaced by a childrens festival called... Lite Nite.

See. this is why Puritanical replacements for fun traditions never win out. They're just plain lame. "Lite Nite" can't compete with Halloween. "Bible Adventure" couldn't compete with Super Mario Brothers 3. Abstinence can't compete with fucking. Communion wafer vs. kettle-cooked ripple chip? NO FUCKING CONTEST.

If you're going to rip the balls off Halloween, you have to do it the way parents have been doing it for the last decade. Tell the kids they're going to a spooky Halloween party, and THEN drag them to the church basement with the fluorescent lighting, the chocolate chip cookies, the face painting, and the non-stop playing of the "Monster Mash" CD you bought for $3.99 at the party store. That's the kind of thing that will keep kids away from the occult forever. You bunch appropriating it and making it seem weak.