Brownies And Other Small Children

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First, let me say this right off the bat. I hate John Roberts. Not because he's conservative. Not because he's so white Clorox would love to vivisect him. Not because he's the latest Bush buddy to luck his way into an epic-level job.

I hate him because that motherfucker uses his children as props. And not just in the usual "stand next to politician daddy at the campaign rally" way. And not just in the "Could you keep your lesbian self out of the public eye for a bit, honey" kind of way. But in the actual "dress them up and turn them into animatronic Hummels" kind of way.

That vat-grown product of 1950's cryogenic techniques, who spent the eighties as Reagan's chief legal enabler, shows up for his confirmation hearing with his fucking toddlers in tow. Robert Bork didn't bring his kids. Clarence Thomas didn't bring his kids. Roberts brought his kids. Dressed thusly, according to the AP. AQT!

"5-year-old Josie, in her baby blue party dress and white headband, and 4-year-old Jack, in his blue blazer, bow tie and short gray flannel pants." Even Tucker Carlson doesn't make his kids wear a bow tie, much less short pants. Who dresses their kid like that for a public appearance? Someone who's trying very, very hard to create a specific image. And if someone's trying very hard to create a specific image, they're doing it so we don't see what they're really like. And there's no way in hell the done-deal confirmation hearings are gonna show us. You heard it here first. Little Jack Roberts' short pants are a harbinger of judicial doom.

In other bureaucratic news, we here at You Are Dumb Dot Net would like to present you with the journalistic coup of the year - sources deep inside FEMA snuck this off Michael Brown's desk while he was delivering his letter of resignation. Enjoy.