Terri Carlin

« February 2004 »

Memo to Terri Carlin: You are VERY DUMB

Seriously. I don't pull out the VERY all that often. But Terri Carlin has earned it. She's really, really dumb. Astonishingly dumb. Heartbreakingly dumb. Apoplexy-inducing dumb. The kind of dumb that would turn Bruce Banner into the Hulk if he came within, say, 500 feet of her, because she probably gives off an area-effect of palpable stupidity that'd piss him off by induction.

I am so astonished by how dumb Terri Carlin is that I'm not even sure I can get what she did out without my brain exploding. That's DUMB.

You see, Terri Carlin has... what she did was... she filed... she's suing... hold on. Let me wrap my skull in duct tape so that, at the very least, nobody near me will get killed by the shrapnel.

Terri Carlin is suing Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake, CBS, MTV, and Viacom. It's a class action lawsuit on behalf of everyone who watched the Super Bowl. Because Janet Jackson's boob caused everyone who saw it to "suffer outrage, anger, embarassment, and serious injury."

I think I'm gonna need more duct tape.

She's from Knoxville, Tennessee. I hope this sends an important message to the South. I know you hate being stereotyped as ignorant backwoods pigfuckers. I know that the North has its own fair share of ignorant backwoods pigfuckers. But the stereotyping will continue as long as you fail to do something about the Terri Carlins in your midst. It's not fair, but it's true. So take your collective dicks out of your collective pigs and get working on some kind of official sanction plan. Thank you.

According to the lawsuit, exposing Janet Jackson's boob is "conduct considered atrocious and utterly intolerable in American communities", not to mention that it "would cause average members in American communities to immediately react in outrage upon seeing the incident."

OK, there's one part of the lawsuit I can get behind. Anyone who reacted in outrage at the incident is most certainly a member.

At this point, for health and safety reasons, You Are Dumb Dot Net Incorporated advises its readers to take between five and ten minutes, go for a walk, maybe smell some flowers. Breathe deeply. Relax. Put Terri Carlin, who has apparently been BREAKING OPEN THERMOMETERS AND POURING THEM INTO HER MINT JULEPS EVERY DAY FOR THE PAST TWENTY YEARS out of your mind. Achieve a state of Zen calm, because you're gonna need it before you hit the next paragraph.

This is the kicker. Not only did Janet Jackson's boob cause serious injury from just looking at it (presumably, her boyfriend's hands on that Rolling Stone cover were obscuring the Medusa-heads grafted onto her nipples). Exposing her breast also, get this, caused Americans to suffer "injuries and damages to their reputations as Americans" in the eyes of the rest of the world.

On the beaches of France. On the set of the Benny Hill show. In the brothels of Thailand. The entire world hates America for showing them a tittie! It all makes sense now! Everything is clear to me! Either that, or I just had a stroke. Is there no end to Janet Jackson's perfidy?

Thank you, Terri Carlin, for removing the tiny shred of joy I experienced this week when Joe Lieberman dropped out of the presidential race. Thank you for, just five weeks into the short life of this webpage, setting a standard against which all other idiots will be judged. Thank you and the pig you rode in on. Backwards. Because, on the off chance you've been thrown off by the big words like 'apoplexy', I happen to feel that YOU ARE DUMB.