Idiocy Sharpens Irony

« June 2005 »

Memo to Charles Darrell: NICE TRY, BUT YOU ARE DUMB.

Some things are just automatically funny. Like when stupid people think they're smart. That's always funny. Because they try so hard to be clever, and put forward these supposedly clear, logical arguments for their irrational point of view. And always, in the structure of it, when you get down and you look closely, you see the bubble gum and the spit and the rusty paper clips holding the whole sorry thing together. And you laugh.

Which brings us to the curious case of Charles Darrell, who may or may not have a brother named Larry Darrell. Darrell is the communications director for Minnesota for Marriage. Already, his job requires him to internally justify one huge contradiction - that Minnesota for Marriage opposes marriage. Same-sex marriage, that is.

And as the communications director for an anti-marriage organization, Darrell's JOB is to say stupid shit and make it sound smart. And he's almost qualified for the job, as evidenced by his commentary in Sunday's paper.

As far as I can tell, Darrell's point is that "people of faith" need to bring their religion into politics forcefully, because if they don't, they'll never be able to keep the queers away from matrimony. I say "as far as I can tell", because he spends a lot of the time wandering around the rhetorical wilderness.

For example, he starts off with the statement that "The sign of a dysfunctional church is one that can't defend the obvious." Apparently, to Darrell, opposition to same-sex marriage is "obvious", a position severey contraindicated by the fact that a debate exists at all. But Darrell, as we've noted, is no stranger to contradiction.

Case in point: on one hand, "In our pluralistic society Christians must make every attempt to translate biblical truth into secular arguments." That's a sentiment I can honestly get behind. If the anti-marriage types want to bring forward an argument beyond "The Bible says it's wrong" and "It's always been like that", it would certainly be a breath of fresh air in the midst of an otherwise noxious discourse. But just three sentences later, Darrell admits that "without our theology we don't have enough secular arguments that work." You know what that should mean in a country ostensibly (and, looking at what we've become, somewhat embarassingly) founded on reason? It means you'd be fucked. It means your cross doesn't have a leg to stand on. If your secular arguments suck, then to succeed, you'd have to turn the government into some kind of theocracy... HEY!

With reason failing, and Bible-thumping a rules violation (albeit one the referees tend to overlook), Darrell resorts to the time-honored pundit tradition of unfounded demonizing. Get this. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The truth is that secularists have stolen the moral high ground from Christians through some ingenious rhetorical manipulation. Marrying the "civil rights" argument for same-sex partners with the unfounded insistence of "separation of church and state," they have succeeded in intimidating and confusing many Christians on the issue of same-sex marriage. Equipping themselves with the equally phony "helmet of open-mindedness" and "breastplate of tolerance," these secular ideologues have silenced a core of the Church with charges of "intolerance" and "hatred" toward homosexuals."

Once again, I find myself desperately wishing I lived in the Bible-banning, gay-marrying, "secularist"* Utopia these fuckers love to paint the country as. Where the hell are all these confused and intimidated Christians who would surely speak out against the evils of gay marriage if only we mean secularists wouldn't call them out as the bigots that they are? How many cores does this Church have, and which one again has been silenced? Because frankly, I'm still hearing them, even through my helmet and breastplate.

And the topper, the real topper that so aptly shows the problem with these fucks, is the following: "The soul of our democracy depends upon the "iron sharpens iron" relationship between church and state." Ignoring the classic argument of "HIS church, not yours, you stinky heathen", what the fuck? Iron sharpens iron? It is, according to Google, a bit from Proverbs, which was written back when iron was something you wanted to be sharp, and iron was the best thing you had to sharpen it with.

Now, of course, we have stainless steel, and synthetic diamond dust. We don't need sharpened iron, and if we did, we wouldn't need to use iron to sharpen it. Darrell may want to sharpen the state with the iron of his church, but I'd much rather see a government that actually recognized the social and technologial progress we've made over the past 2,000 years. Not that I expect to see one anytime soon, but it's better than trying to drag us all into the past.

*Oh, and "secularISTS"? It's almost too obvious to not be a joke. He took a term, "secular humanists", that has already been co-opted and turned into an insult by the right, and literally DE-HUMANIZED it. But then, that's part and parcel of the deviant, immoral Jesist lifestyle choice.